Any sort of help is appreciated, and I feel like I really need it. Sorry this might be long, but I am trying to include everything so that you guys have the full picture. For some background information I am 20, male, and gay. Up until a few months ago I was a virgin mostly because I was closeted all throughout high school and still am not out to my parents. Being far away from home allowed me to express my sexual identity and not hide who I am. It allowed me to make some amazing friends and I am extremely happy that they are in my life. Anyways, for some reason I really wanted to lose my virginity and participate in hookup culture because I thought that I was at the point in my life where I was ready. I go to school in a very populated area with a large gay scene so using apps and websites proved an easy way to do it.
For about two weeks I was browsing this one site for anonymous hookups and speaking to a bunch of different guys, some who lived in the area and also some who were students at my school. I was using an anonymous site because I was also ashamed and did not want people to know I was using an app for sex. I prioritized speaking to those who went to my school because I wanted it to be with someone closer to my age. I also was a little nervous about going to some stranger’s apartment, and not somewhere on campus. I messaged this guy (20 YO) who I found out went to my school and seemed nice so we decided to meet up (we decided to only do oral). However, I told him that I could not do it in my room since my roommate was there, to which he responded that his roommate was also in his room. He suggested meeting at a public bathroom on campus late at night since he said it would not be busy. The building also requires a school ID card to swipe into so I would know that it was another student. It seemed like a good idea to me at the time. Me being an idiot, agreed to it.
I got there and met up with him but as soon as we met up about three guys walked into the bathroom. I was crouched on the toilet in the stall and luckily we did not get caught. This was most likely because there was a study space in the same building, but even I was surprised that people were there at around midnight during a weekday. The guys did their business and left without problem. I should have realized at that point that this whole thing was a bad idea but I ended up going through with it because I was nervous, scared, and had already met up with the guy in the stall. After they left, and throughout our encounter, no other people walked in. Nobody could actually see us anyways since we were in a pretty large stall (I know this does not make it right at all).
Fast forward to today, I feel awful. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I did not even know how this guy looked before meeting up with him, and I still don’t even know his name. I see him around campus sometimes but I really would rather not engage. I got tested for all STIs two months after the encounter and luckily it all came back negative, but I will get tested again soon just in case. However, I am feeling so much regret. I feel so much guilt. And I am so ashamed. I’m constantly tired and barely ever hungry. It’s the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I do not want anyone to ever find out about this, especially not my friends at university. The bathroom I had my encounter in is a well known building on campus, and basically everybody has been in it at least once. I feel like if I tell them that I had an anonymous hookup in a public bathroom in a building on campus they will judge me and think that I am disgusting. I honestly think I deserve that because I am disgusted by my own actions. LGBTQ+ people are already looked down upon so much because of their “queer” customs and I feel like this just proves that honestly. How would you even explain to someone how you could do something like that in the first place? Because you were horny (sorry for being crude)? That’s an awful excuse.
I tried surrounding myself with my friends which seemed to work but now I’m on break and have been feeling much worse about myself. I know that if they find out they will most likely be disgusted. Even if I tell them how much I regret it and how awful it makes me feel, they might be nice about it but I know their perceptions of me will be forever changed and a wedge will be thrust into our relationship. I am also scared to tell them because even though they are my friends, I am horrified at this secret getting out. One of my friends is in a relationship with a very popular guy on campus and I truly don’t think that this is something that she can keep from her significant other. If he finds out, it will spread like wildfire. I find myself looking at pictures of me and my friends happy and smiling and it hurts my heart because they have no idea what I’ve done. The thought of hanging out with them while withholding this information seems so evil and wrong. I don’t know how I can go on every day knowing that I’ve done this.
I feel like I’ve also ruined my chance at any romantic relationships in the future. I definitely can’t be romantically involved with someone at my school now because they would think I’m some sort of creep, and I feel like if I tell a future romantic partner that I lost my virginity in a bathroom in college he would be turned off.
I know that this is my fault. I know I should have thought it through better and made better choices. But I didn’t. And I honestly don’t know why because even my friends have said that I can be a bit paranoid, and careful, and I don’t engage in risky behavior. Now I constantly feel depressed, anxious, and stressed out. I keep having extreme mood swings where I feel like I’m an awful, disgusting human being and then times, where I feel like what I’ve done, is not even that serious. I have been craving nicotine and weed to cope, but have been showing restraint and only smoked once (it was weed) in the past two weeks. I do know now that I never want to do something like this ever again. Honestly, the thought of sex at this moment in time seems extremely disgusting to me when before it was something that I had desired (again sorry for being crude) and wanted to explore more. I feel like I am damaged for doing something so gross. I also feel like I have damaged myself and given myself, sexual trauma since the thought of myself having sex with anyone else makes me extremely anxious.
I know that people hook up in public places occasionally, and more than we know. Straight and gay alike. You can literally just look up on Reddit the weirdest places people have hooked up and there are threads with hundreds of comments. I even know places on my campus where people have done it. Whenever I heard those stories though I would always be so horrified and my friends and I would laugh about it. But I do not know if anybody who’s hooked up in a public place, especially a bathroom, is feeling what I am feeling right now. I am extremely embarrassed and don’t know how I can reveal this information to anyone in my life now, or who I meet in the future.
I really want to speak about this with a therapist because I feel so emotionally damaged from this experience. But I am so scared that talking to a therapist about this would get me in some type of trouble since the hookup was in a public place. I know that therapists are not allowed to speak about their clients with anyone, but there are special circumstances and I do not know if this qualifies as one (hopefully if anyone knows please let me down below). I can’t speak to my friends (for reasons I already explained) and I can’t speak to my family since they are not really accepting of homosexuality and do not know I am gay. (I wrote this during the New Year but since then I have called multiple psychologists but all of them have long waitlists which is not good because I have been struggling with this more and more.)
If anybody read, thank you so much. I really needed to get this off of my chest. But what I also really need right now, is help. It makes me cringe to type this out, but I feel so alone. Right now it feels like I am never going to get better, and I am never going to be happy. If it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal then I am sorry for wasting anybody’s time but also really think about it (i.e. pretend you had to tell a loved one that you hooked up with a stranger in your place of work, or in a park bathroom or something of the sort).
TL;DR I had an anonymous hookup with another college student in a public bathroom on my college campus but am now feeling extremely disgusting, guilty, and ashamed. I have called multiple psychologists but they have waitlists and my emotions are getting worse by the day.
submitted by /u/throwaway20207878
[link] [comments]
r/sex Any sort of help is appreciated, and I feel like I really need it. Sorry this might be long, but I am trying to include everything so that you guys have the full picture. For some background information I am 20, male, and gay. Up until a few months ago I was a virgin mostly because I was closeted all throughout high school and still am not out to my parents. Being far away from home allowed me to express my sexual identity and not hide who I am. It allowed me to make some amazing friends and I am extremely happy that they are in my life. Anyways, for some reason I really wanted to lose my virginity and participate in hookup culture because I thought that I was at the point in my life where I was ready. I go to school in a very populated area with a large gay scene so using apps and websites proved an easy way to do it. For about two weeks I was browsing this one site for anonymous hookups and speaking to a bunch of different guys, some who lived in the area and also some who were students at my school. I was using an anonymous site because I was also ashamed and did not want people to know I was using an app for sex. I prioritized speaking to those who went to my school because I wanted it to be with someone closer to my age. I also was a little nervous about going to some stranger’s apartment, and not somewhere on campus. I messaged this guy (20 YO) who I found out went to my school and seemed nice so we decided to meet up (we decided to only do oral). However, I told him that I could not do it in my room since my roommate was there, to which he responded that his roommate was also in his room. He suggested meeting at a public bathroom on campus late at night since he said it would not be busy. The building also requires a school ID card to swipe into so I would know that it was another student. It seemed like a good idea to me at the time. Me being an idiot, agreed to it. I got there and met up with him but as soon as we met up about three guys walked into the bathroom. I was crouched on the toilet in the stall and luckily we did not get caught. This was most likely because there was a study space in the same building, but even I was surprised that people were there at around midnight during a weekday. The guys did their business and left without problem. I should have realized at that point that this whole thing was a bad idea but I ended up going through with it because I was nervous, scared, and had already met up with the guy in the stall. After they left, and throughout our encounter, no other people walked in. Nobody could actually see us anyways since we were in a pretty large stall (I know this does not make it right at all). Fast forward to today, I feel awful. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I did not even know how this guy looked before meeting up with him, and I still don’t even know his name. I see him around campus sometimes but I really would rather not engage. I got tested for all STIs two months after the encounter and luckily it all came back negative, but I will get tested again soon just in case. However, I am feeling so much regret. I feel so much guilt. And I am so ashamed. I’m constantly tired and barely ever hungry. It’s the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I do not want anyone to ever find out about this, especially not my friends at university. The bathroom I had my encounter in is a well known building on campus, and basically everybody has been in it at least once. I feel like if I tell them that I had an anonymous hookup in a public bathroom in a building on campus they will judge me and think that I am disgusting. I honestly think I deserve that because I am disgusted by my own actions. LGBTQ+ people are already looked down upon so much because of their “queer” customs and I feel like this just proves that honestly. How would you even explain to someone how you could do something like that in the first place? Because you were horny (sorry for being crude)? That’s an awful excuse. I tried surrounding myself with my friends which seemed to work but now I’m on break and have been feeling much worse about myself. I know that if they find out they will most likely be disgusted. Even if I tell them how much I regret it and how awful it makes me feel, they might be nice about it but I know their perceptions of me will be forever changed and a wedge will be thrust into our relationship. I am also scared to tell them because even though they are my friends, I am horrified at this secret getting out. One of my friends is in a relationship with a very popular guy on campus and I truly don’t think that this is something that she can keep from her significant other. If he finds out, it will spread like wildfire. I find myself looking at pictures of me and my friends happy and smiling and it hurts my heart because they have no idea what I’ve done. The thought of hanging out with them while withholding this information seems so evil and wrong. I don’t know how I can go on every day knowing that I’ve done this. I feel like I’ve also ruined my chance at any romantic relationships in the future. I definitely can’t be romantically involved with someone at my school now because they would think I’m some sort of creep, and I feel like if I tell a future romantic partner that I lost my virginity in a bathroom in college he would be turned off. I know that this is my fault. I know I should have thought it through better and made better choices. But I didn’t. And I honestly don’t know why because even my friends have said that I can be a bit paranoid, and careful, and I don’t engage in risky behavior. Now I constantly feel depressed, anxious, and stressed out. I keep having extreme mood swings where I feel like I’m an awful, disgusting human being and then times, where I feel like what I’ve done, is not even that serious. I have been craving nicotine and weed to cope, but have been showing restraint and only smoked once (it was weed) in the past two weeks. I do know now that I never want to do something like this ever again. Honestly, the thought of sex at this moment in time seems extremely disgusting to me when before it was something that I had desired (again sorry for being crude) and wanted to explore more. I feel like I am damaged for doing something so gross. I also feel like I have damaged myself and given myself, sexual trauma since the thought of myself having sex with anyone else makes me extremely anxious. I know that people hook up in public places occasionally, and more than we know. Straight and gay alike. You can literally just look up on Reddit the weirdest places people have hooked up and there are threads with hundreds of comments. I even know places on my campus where people have done it. Whenever I heard those stories though I would always be so horrified and my friends and I would laugh about it. But I do not know if anybody who’s hooked up in a public place, especially a bathroom, is feeling what I am feeling right now. I am extremely embarrassed and don’t know how I can reveal this information to anyone in my life now, or who I meet in the future. I really want to speak about this with a therapist because I feel so emotionally damaged from this experience. But I am so scared that talking to a therapist about this would get me in some type of trouble since the hookup was in a public place. I know that therapists are not allowed to speak about their clients with anyone, but there are special circumstances and I do not know if this qualifies as one (hopefully if anyone knows please let me down below). I can’t speak to my friends (for reasons I already explained) and I can’t speak to my family since they are not really accepting of homosexuality and do not know I am gay. (I wrote this during the New Year but since then I have called multiple psychologists but all of them have long waitlists which is not good because I have been struggling with this more and more.) If anybody read, thank you so much. I really needed to get this off of my chest. But what I also really need right now, is help. It makes me cringe to type this out, but I feel so alone. Right now it feels like I am never going to get better, and I am never going to be happy. If it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal then I am sorry for wasting anybody’s time but also really think about it (i.e. pretend you had to tell a loved one that you hooked up with a stranger in your place of work, or in a park bathroom or something of the sort). TL;DR I had an anonymous hookup with another college student in a public bathroom on my college campus but am now feeling extremely disgusting, guilty, and ashamed. I have called multiple psychologists but they have waitlists and my emotions are getting worse by the day. submitted by /u/throwaway20207878 [link] [comments]
Any sort of help is appreciated, and I feel like I really need it. Sorry this might be long, but I am trying to include everything so that you guys have the full picture. For some background information I am 20, male, and gay. Up until a few months ago I was a virgin mostly because I was closeted all throughout high school and still am not out to my parents. Being far away from home allowed me to express my sexual identity and not hide who I am. It allowed me to make some amazing friends and I am extremely happy that they are in my life. Anyways, for some reason I really wanted to lose my virginity and participate in hookup culture because I thought that I was at the point in my life where I was ready. I go to school in a very populated area with a large gay scene so using apps and websites proved an easy way to do it.
For about two weeks I was browsing this one site for anonymous hookups and speaking to a bunch of different guys, some who lived in the area and also some who were students at my school. I was using an anonymous site because I was also ashamed and did not want people to know I was using an app for sex. I prioritized speaking to those who went to my school because I wanted it to be with someone closer to my age. I also was a little nervous about going to some stranger’s apartment, and not somewhere on campus. I messaged this guy (20 YO) who I found out went to my school and seemed nice so we decided to meet up (we decided to only do oral). However, I told him that I could not do it in my room since my roommate was there, to which he responded that his roommate was also in his room. He suggested meeting at a public bathroom on campus late at night since he said it would not be busy. The building also requires a school ID card to swipe into so I would know that it was another student. It seemed like a good idea to me at the time. Me being an idiot, agreed to it.
I got there and met up with him but as soon as we met up about three guys walked into the bathroom. I was crouched on the toilet in the stall and luckily we did not get caught. This was most likely because there was a study space in the same building, but even I was surprised that people were there at around midnight during a weekday. The guys did their business and left without problem. I should have realized at that point that this whole thing was a bad idea but I ended up going through with it because I was nervous, scared, and had already met up with the guy in the stall. After they left, and throughout our encounter, no other people walked in. Nobody could actually see us anyways since we were in a pretty large stall (I know this does not make it right at all).
Fast forward to today, I feel awful. Not physically, but mentally and emotionally. I did not even know how this guy looked before meeting up with him, and I still don’t even know his name. I see him around campus sometimes but I really would rather not engage. I got tested for all STIs two months after the encounter and luckily it all came back negative, but I will get tested again soon just in case. However, I am feeling so much regret. I feel so much guilt. And I am so ashamed. I’m constantly tired and barely ever hungry. It’s the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake up. I do not want anyone to ever find out about this, especially not my friends at university. The bathroom I had my encounter in is a well known building on campus, and basically everybody has been in it at least once. I feel like if I tell them that I had an anonymous hookup in a public bathroom in a building on campus they will judge me and think that I am disgusting. I honestly think I deserve that because I am disgusted by my own actions. LGBTQ+ people are already looked down upon so much because of their “queer” customs and I feel like this just proves that honestly. How would you even explain to someone how you could do something like that in the first place? Because you were horny (sorry for being crude)? That’s an awful excuse.
I tried surrounding myself with my friends which seemed to work but now I’m on break and have been feeling much worse about myself. I know that if they find out they will most likely be disgusted. Even if I tell them how much I regret it and how awful it makes me feel, they might be nice about it but I know their perceptions of me will be forever changed and a wedge will be thrust into our relationship. I am also scared to tell them because even though they are my friends, I am horrified at this secret getting out. One of my friends is in a relationship with a very popular guy on campus and I truly don’t think that this is something that she can keep from her significant other. If he finds out, it will spread like wildfire. I find myself looking at pictures of me and my friends happy and smiling and it hurts my heart because they have no idea what I’ve done. The thought of hanging out with them while withholding this information seems so evil and wrong. I don’t know how I can go on every day knowing that I’ve done this.
I feel like I’ve also ruined my chance at any romantic relationships in the future. I definitely can’t be romantically involved with someone at my school now because they would think I’m some sort of creep, and I feel like if I tell a future romantic partner that I lost my virginity in a bathroom in college he would be turned off.
I know that this is my fault. I know I should have thought it through better and made better choices. But I didn’t. And I honestly don’t know why because even my friends have said that I can be a bit paranoid, and careful, and I don’t engage in risky behavior. Now I constantly feel depressed, anxious, and stressed out. I keep having extreme mood swings where I feel like I’m an awful, disgusting human being and then times, where I feel like what I’ve done, is not even that serious. I have been craving nicotine and weed to cope, but have been showing restraint and only smoked once (it was weed) in the past two weeks. I do know now that I never want to do something like this ever again. Honestly, the thought of sex at this moment in time seems extremely disgusting to me when before it was something that I had desired (again sorry for being crude) and wanted to explore more. I feel like I am damaged for doing something so gross. I also feel like I have damaged myself and given myself, sexual trauma since the thought of myself having sex with anyone else makes me extremely anxious.
I know that people hook up in public places occasionally, and more than we know. Straight and gay alike. You can literally just look up on Reddit the weirdest places people have hooked up and there are threads with hundreds of comments. I even know places on my campus where people have done it. Whenever I heard those stories though I would always be so horrified and my friends and I would laugh about it. But I do not know if anybody who’s hooked up in a public place, especially a bathroom, is feeling what I am feeling right now. I am extremely embarrassed and don’t know how I can reveal this information to anyone in my life now, or who I meet in the future.
I really want to speak about this with a therapist because I feel so emotionally damaged from this experience. But I am so scared that talking to a therapist about this would get me in some type of trouble since the hookup was in a public place. I know that therapists are not allowed to speak about their clients with anyone, but there are special circumstances and I do not know if this qualifies as one (hopefully if anyone knows please let me down below). I can’t speak to my friends (for reasons I already explained) and I can’t speak to my family since they are not really accepting of homosexuality and do not know I am gay. (I wrote this during the New Year but since then I have called multiple psychologists but all of them have long waitlists which is not good because I have been struggling with this more and more.)
If anybody read, thank you so much. I really needed to get this off of my chest. But what I also really need right now, is help. It makes me cringe to type this out, but I feel so alone. Right now it feels like I am never going to get better, and I am never going to be happy. If it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal then I am sorry for wasting anybody’s time but also really think about it (i.e. pretend you had to tell a loved one that you hooked up with a stranger in your place of work, or in a park bathroom or something of the sort).
TL;DR I had an anonymous hookup with another college student in a public bathroom on my college campus but am now feeling extremely disgusting, guilty, and ashamed. I have called multiple psychologists but they have waitlists and my emotions are getting worse by the day.
submitted by /u/throwaway20207878
[link] [comments]