Guys that got into rough sex later in life, how did you find the right headspace? /u/need_help_yo Sex

I’m 49 and my wife of 24 years passed three years ago. I’ve recently started dating and the women I’m meeting, all 40+, are fairly universally into rougher sex. Nothing crazy but definitely biting, hair pulling, slapping, etc. No real dirty talk so far but the woman I’m seeing now has already told me she’s holding back until I’m more ready (help lol).

I’d like to be able to meet them where they are at but I’m really struggling with maintaining a sexual frame of mind when doing things that are forceful or painful. For example, pulling hair or nipple play, as soon as I get past my comfort level of force I can’t help but just focus on not sailing past her pain threshold or causing injury. It basically takes me out of the connection part of sex and she turns into this thing that I’m managing.

I dated a big lady briefly and she was thick, heavy and strong which I think made it a little bit easier. The woman I’m with now (in her 40’s, mother of three, all woman in appearance) has the strength of a child. I can completely control her with one hand and it instantly kills the sexual mood and makes me want to protect her. Probably doesn’t help that I have two daughters.

So getting back to the question in the title, how do I need to think about myself and the woman that I’m with in order to pull the stops out a few notches but still stay in the game?

I’m 49 and my wife of 24 years passed three years ago. I’ve recently started dating and the women I’m meeting, all 40+, are fairly universally into rougher sex. Nothing crazy but definitely biting, hair pulling, slapping, etc. No real dirty talk so far but the woman I’m seeing now has already told me she’s holding back until I’m more ready (help lol).

I’d like to be able to meet them where they are at but I’m really struggling with maintaining a sexual frame of mind when doing things that are forceful or painful. For example, pulling hair or nipple play, as soon as I get past my comfort level of force I can’t help but just focus on not sailing past her pain threshold or causing injury. It basically takes me out of the connection part of sex and she turns into this thing that I’m managing.

I dated a big lady briefly and she was thick, heavy and strong which I think made it a little bit easier. The woman I’m with now (in her 40’s, mother of three, all woman in appearance) has the strength of a child. I can completely control her with one hand and it instantly kills the sexual mood and makes me want to protect her. Probably doesn’t help that I have two daughters.

So getting back to the question in the title, how do I need to think about myself and the woman that I’m with in order to pull the stops out a few notches but still stay in the game?