Revelation and how to move forward /u/disguised_redditor Sex

Hi R/Sex. Puzzled on what to do with information I’ve recently become aware of.

TLDR: wife almost certainly exploring or has full-fledged bdsm kink. However, stifles any action on my part to engage in activities that go beyond gentle lovemaking.

So here’s the deal. Happily married mid-30’s M/F couple. I have very recently learned something new about my wife’s kinks. Looking for perspective, and perhaps advice, on how best to move forward with this information.

Background: From our first make-out session while dating years ago thru today, my wife has had a certain temperament about things. That is, she likes the gentle and romantic side of intimacy and sex. She does not like much physicality, prefers gentle missionary 19/20 times, etc. She’s been clear in verbalizing these preferences, and has redirected through live feedback when I’ve become too physical, fast, asked for different acts/positions she doesn’t want, etc. While I – in a vacuum – might like to explore other avenues of sexual activity, this prerequisite for our physical relationship has been perfectly fine with me. Our relationship looking more broadly than sex is very strong, all good.

Moment in question #1: Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Through a set of circumstances, I found myself coming home unexpectedly to my wife home alone. I was about to turn a corner to our room when I heard what sounded like self play. I will confess to you that I did not announce myself. Instead, I listened.

sidebar I’ll admit that masturbation is a kink of mine. We’ve done a bit of sharing on occasion of recent masturbation sessions, what turns us on, etc. I think it is great and my view is that her sexuality is hers and I merely want to be part of the constellation of things that turn her on. So when she’s shared past instances of getting herself off to thoughts of suave masculine-jawed men in romance novels, or this or that sex scene/porn, I have been truly unphased. All of that content could be described as within the realm of “hot horny people fucking.” Great. And in line with what I understood to make her tick sexually.

Now, back to the moment at hand. I’m listening and she’s quietly getting herself off while watching – on repeat – ( four times to be precise) the trailer to Babygirl – new erotic thriller movie built around a bdsm relationship. Super interesting, and hot, I initially think. She finished, I stepped away seemingly unnoticed, and that was that. Had it in back of mind but didn’t really process it.

Moment in question #2: Flash forward to two days ago. Another situation came up where (and I swear I wasn’t trying to spy) I approach the room but stop short because I hear something. This time, she’s spanking herself with what I later surmised to be a hairbrush. Repeatedly. And getting off in the process.

I would LOVE to explore this, or any other kink, with her. But at every turn in the past, she’s kept me in my romantic/gentle lane. I am also happy to stand by and let her fantasies remain her fantasies. However, I have longer term concerns that if I’m kept away from engaging in the activities that turn her on most, it may have harmful impact on our relationship. Advice, Reddit? Yes, I realize this is just as likely an r/relationship issue as it is an r/sex issue.

Hi R/Sex. Puzzled on what to do with information I’ve recently become aware of.

TLDR: wife almost certainly exploring or has full-fledged bdsm kink. However, stifles any action on my part to engage in activities that go beyond gentle lovemaking.

So here’s the deal. Happily married mid-30’s M/F couple. I have very recently learned something new about my wife’s kinks. Looking for perspective, and perhaps advice, on how best to move forward with this information.

Background: From our first make-out session while dating years ago thru today, my wife has had a certain temperament about things. That is, she likes the gentle and romantic side of intimacy and sex. She does not like much physicality, prefers gentle missionary 19/20 times, etc. She’s been clear in verbalizing these preferences, and has redirected through live feedback when I’ve become too physical, fast, asked for different acts/positions she doesn’t want, etc. While I – in a vacuum – might like to explore other avenues of sexual activity, this prerequisite for our physical relationship has been perfectly fine with me. Our relationship looking more broadly than sex is very strong, all good.

Moment in question #1: Fast forward to a few weeks ago. Through a set of circumstances, I found myself coming home unexpectedly to my wife home alone. I was about to turn a corner to our room when I heard what sounded like self play. I will confess to you that I did not announce myself. Instead, I listened.

sidebar I’ll admit that masturbation is a kink of mine. We’ve done a bit of sharing on occasion of recent masturbation sessions, what turns us on, etc. I think it is great and my view is that her sexuality is hers and I merely want to be part of the constellation of things that turn her on. So when she’s shared past instances of getting herself off to thoughts of suave masculine-jawed men in romance novels, or this or that sex scene/porn, I have been truly unphased. All of that content could be described as within the realm of “hot horny people fucking.” Great. And in line with what I understood to make her tick sexually.

Now, back to the moment at hand. I’m listening and she’s quietly getting herself off while watching – on repeat – ( four times to be precise) the trailer to Babygirl – new erotic thriller movie built around a bdsm relationship. Super interesting, and hot, I initially think. She finished, I stepped away seemingly unnoticed, and that was that. Had it in back of mind but didn’t really process it.

Moment in question #2: Flash forward to two days ago. Another situation came up where (and I swear I wasn’t trying to spy) I approach the room but stop short because I hear something. This time, she’s spanking herself with what I later surmised to be a hairbrush. Repeatedly. And getting off in the process.

I would LOVE to explore this, or any other kink, with her. But at every turn in the past, she’s kept me in my romantic/gentle lane. I am also happy to stand by and let her fantasies remain her fantasies. However, I have longer term concerns that if I’m kept away from engaging in the activities that turn her on most, it may have harmful impact on our relationship. Advice, Reddit? Yes, I realize this is just as likely an r/relationship issue as it is an r/sex issue.