I think my boyfriend is unhappy with our sex life /u/Dizzy-Service8828 Sex

But I’m unsure how to really talk to him about it.

He’s often avoidant at best, passive aggressive at worst. When he is direct, he is usually uncaring about the other person’s feelings, and will cause a conversation to turn hostile due to feeling like it’s unfair for the other person to get offended or feel hurt by honesty. So he’s not usually direct. As such, I don’t know how to have such a delicate conversation with him in a way that leaves us both feeling heard.

We have sex 1-3 times per week. A big point of contention is my lack of initiation. I do not initiate because I am in the mood far more often than he is, and in the past he rejected me every time I initiated. So I no longer have the confidence to initiate. He’ll say things like, “I wish you’d initiate more, wear lingerie,” or he’ll mention how hot it would be to walk in on me masturbating. But when those things happen, he doesn’t want to sleep with me. And then I feel stupid. Am I bad at timing? Is there something I can’t understand?

Recently, he’s been making a lot of little jokes and I can’t tell if they’re actual jokes, or secretly how he feels. He says them in a joking way and laughs, but they feel pointed. This includes:

• We were joking about sexual stuff and he said he wants me to get out of my comfort zone. In context, this was about doing “gross” and/or extreme kink stuff. The tone was jovial and not serious.
• I mentioned that turning 30 should be fun for me because I’ve heard hormones go crazy in a good way after 30. He said, “so what I’m hearing is I need to start meeting a lot of 30 year old women?” I’m very enthusiastic when we have sex and he’s said I have a higher drive than him so I don’t get this little comment.
• I rejected him once. Probably the only time I have ever rejected him for a reason other than getting my period. I gave him oral and did not have sex with him because he asked me to get on top and I just didn’t feel like it. I had done that position the last 4 times we had sex and my legs hurt. He joked about this rejection for a few days.
• This one really hurt me, joke or otherwise. We were at a store and they had one of those little couple question games. He read of the question: what’s the best thing your partner does in bed? And he said, “shows up.” I felt…so bad about myself. I give sloppy, great, unlimited blowjobs; I do his favorite position whenever he wants; I am always willing to try anything he wants. And the best thing I do is just show up, said in a way that implied negativity and that I don’t do anything.

I think he genuinely believes I contribute nothing and am boring. I don’t know how to deal with that. He’s mentioned before that I’m so vanilla. I am into spanking and choking and dom/sub stuff and have been open about that, but in turn he’s been open about how he doesn’t like any of that. He will ask me about my fantasies, and I don’t really have any. What few I do involves the stuff he’s tried and doesn’t like. So they’re not worth talking about, but then he’s upset that I’m soooo boring and not openminded. I enjoy sex, but I don’t really imagine whole special scenarios in which to have it–I just imagine having it. I’m also not shooting him down when he talks about the stuff he wants to try, like anal and threesomes, even if I do genuinely have no interest of my own in those things. I would think he’d only think I’m not vanilla if I asked for something so out there that he’d have to reject it–but that’s literally the case and he still thinks of me as vanilla and not openminded.

If he’s unhappy, he won’t tell me directly. And I don’t know how to fix it because nothing genuine I do seems to be appreciated. He couldn’t keep it up the other day and while that happens to men and might have nothing to do with me, it was kind of the final straw to make me think, “oh, he isn’t into me anymore.” I feel very insecure now, which makes it even harder to talk to him. Any advice?

But I’m unsure how to really talk to him about it.

He’s often avoidant at best, passive aggressive at worst. When he is direct, he is usually uncaring about the other person’s feelings, and will cause a conversation to turn hostile due to feeling like it’s unfair for the other person to get offended or feel hurt by honesty. So he’s not usually direct. As such, I don’t know how to have such a delicate conversation with him in a way that leaves us both feeling heard.

We have sex 1-3 times per week. A big point of contention is my lack of initiation. I do not initiate because I am in the mood far more often than he is, and in the past he rejected me every time I initiated. So I no longer have the confidence to initiate. He’ll say things like, “I wish you’d initiate more, wear lingerie,” or he’ll mention how hot it would be to walk in on me masturbating. But when those things happen, he doesn’t want to sleep with me. And then I feel stupid. Am I bad at timing? Is there something I can’t understand?

Recently, he’s been making a lot of little jokes and I can’t tell if they’re actual jokes, or secretly how he feels. He says them in a joking way and laughs, but they feel pointed. This includes:

• We were joking about sexual stuff and he said he wants me to get out of my comfort zone. In context, this was about doing “gross” and/or extreme kink stuff. The tone was jovial and not serious.
• I mentioned that turning 30 should be fun for me because I’ve heard hormones go crazy in a good way after 30. He said, “so what I’m hearing is I need to start meeting a lot of 30 year old women?” I’m very enthusiastic when we have sex and he’s said I have a higher drive than him so I don’t get this little comment.
• I rejected him once. Probably the only time I have ever rejected him for a reason other than getting my period. I gave him oral and did not have sex with him because he asked me to get on top and I just didn’t feel like it. I had done that position the last 4 times we had sex and my legs hurt. He joked about this rejection for a few days.
• This one really hurt me, joke or otherwise. We were at a store and they had one of those little couple question games. He read of the question: what’s the best thing your partner does in bed? And he said, “shows up.” I felt…so bad about myself. I give sloppy, great, unlimited blowjobs; I do his favorite position whenever he wants; I am always willing to try anything he wants. And the best thing I do is just show up, said in a way that implied negativity and that I don’t do anything.

I think he genuinely believes I contribute nothing and am boring. I don’t know how to deal with that. He’s mentioned before that I’m so vanilla. I am into spanking and choking and dom/sub stuff and have been open about that, but in turn he’s been open about how he doesn’t like any of that. He will ask me about my fantasies, and I don’t really have any. What few I do involves the stuff he’s tried and doesn’t like. So they’re not worth talking about, but then he’s upset that I’m soooo boring and not openminded. I enjoy sex, but I don’t really imagine whole special scenarios in which to have it–I just imagine having it. I’m also not shooting him down when he talks about the stuff he wants to try, like anal and threesomes, even if I do genuinely have no interest of my own in those things. I would think he’d only think I’m not vanilla if I asked for something so out there that he’d have to reject it–but that’s literally the case and he still thinks of me as vanilla and not openminded.

If he’s unhappy, he won’t tell me directly. And I don’t know how to fix it because nothing genuine I do seems to be appreciated. He couldn’t keep it up the other day and while that happens to men and might have nothing to do with me, it was kind of the final straw to make me think, “oh, he isn’t into me anymore.” I feel very insecure now, which makes it even harder to talk to him. Any advice?