Massive hangups about my age and getting back in the game /u/PureFlounder11 Sex

I messed up really bad in my life by not dating in the perfect age of 25-40 and now I’m left with plan B and I feel terrible about it. Like the best of life has gone without me and I’m full of questions about how to have intimate relationships again, if that’s even possible.

I want to apologise if I mention things that might sound like broad statements about people, I do NOT believe it to be the case, but those are fears in my mind and I want to mention them so you can hopefully help me get over it.

One big problem is that I had a clear idea of what I wanted in a relationship sexually and I feel I’m too old for that. I wanted to be lusted after and lust after a partner, objectively, because of fresh skin and toned bodies and energy. Now I have a subpar version of myself to offer and literally nobody enjoyed the “hot me” that I was when I was younger. It’s a lifetime regret that no one will ever get to enjoy the body that I had (it actually makes me cry). I really wanted someone to want me to keep me, feeling objectively attracted from the sensual point of view. I’m terrified that people will either want to make me owe them (I’m doing you a favour by sleeping with you even if you are subpar) or go after me because they are troubled people that nobody would want and they’ll settle with me or else won’t get laid.

And of course I’ll never get a hot partner because everyone loses shape, get wrinkles, bad skin, back pains, loss of stamina. There are other things of course relevant to a proper relationship but it seems to me that the difference with a lifelong friendship (I value friendship deeply as a thing in itself, a few close friends are just as important as a partner) is the sexual side. I’m going by my colleagues situation to asses what it’s like now, and also younger people in their early 30s that I know about complain heavily about being old and tired and done so if they say so I don’t want to know how bad it is for partners my age and older. I really wanted to have genuine lust and physical enjoyment, now I’m scared of having to force myself to sleep with someone I’m not attracted to, if that makes sense. I don’t want to date younger, for a variety of reasons. About my age, I keep hearing how people are tired and their best days are behind them. This makes me think that I have to settle for things I don’t want: warm friendship (that’s a Downton Abbey reference), a cute romantic thing, basically not what I’m after (that’s nothing wrong with wanting that obviously).

And finally I can’t get back in the game, even if I had the dream body that I could have had and my partner is the same, because I have extremely limited experience. At my age I feel I should be able to offer experience, sophistication, fun, a lot of things. Not being an almost newbie and maybe even nervous or tense or a fish out of water. That would ruin everyone’s experience. If I have to be the one with little experience waiting to learn I should at least bring a fresh young body to my partner. I really feel I’ve messed up. I had a life that I imagined for my 30s that never happened and now it’s late.

How it is, the real situation? What of what I’ve said is true and what is in my mind? What can I do now?

I messed up really bad in my life by not dating in the perfect age of 25-40 and now I’m left with plan B and I feel terrible about it. Like the best of life has gone without me and I’m full of questions about how to have intimate relationships again, if that’s even possible.

I want to apologise if I mention things that might sound like broad statements about people, I do NOT believe it to be the case, but those are fears in my mind and I want to mention them so you can hopefully help me get over it.

One big problem is that I had a clear idea of what I wanted in a relationship sexually and I feel I’m too old for that. I wanted to be lusted after and lust after a partner, objectively, because of fresh skin and toned bodies and energy. Now I have a subpar version of myself to offer and literally nobody enjoyed the “hot me” that I was when I was younger. It’s a lifetime regret that no one will ever get to enjoy the body that I had (it actually makes me cry). I really wanted someone to want me to keep me, feeling objectively attracted from the sensual point of view. I’m terrified that people will either want to make me owe them (I’m doing you a favour by sleeping with you even if you are subpar) or go after me because they are troubled people that nobody would want and they’ll settle with me or else won’t get laid.

And of course I’ll never get a hot partner because everyone loses shape, get wrinkles, bad skin, back pains, loss of stamina. There are other things of course relevant to a proper relationship but it seems to me that the difference with a lifelong friendship (I value friendship deeply as a thing in itself, a few close friends are just as important as a partner) is the sexual side. I’m going by my colleagues situation to asses what it’s like now, and also younger people in their early 30s that I know about complain heavily about being old and tired and done so if they say so I don’t want to know how bad it is for partners my age and older. I really wanted to have genuine lust and physical enjoyment, now I’m scared of having to force myself to sleep with someone I’m not attracted to, if that makes sense. I don’t want to date younger, for a variety of reasons. About my age, I keep hearing how people are tired and their best days are behind them. This makes me think that I have to settle for things I don’t want: warm friendship (that’s a Downton Abbey reference), a cute romantic thing, basically not what I’m after (that’s nothing wrong with wanting that obviously).

And finally I can’t get back in the game, even if I had the dream body that I could have had and my partner is the same, because I have extremely limited experience. At my age I feel I should be able to offer experience, sophistication, fun, a lot of things. Not being an almost newbie and maybe even nervous or tense or a fish out of water. That would ruin everyone’s experience. If I have to be the one with little experience waiting to learn I should at least bring a fresh young body to my partner. I really feel I’ve messed up. I had a life that I imagined for my 30s that never happened and now it’s late.

How it is, the real situation? What of what I’ve said is true and what is in my mind? What can I do now?