SA trauma and trying to explore my sexuality /u/adri_030 Sex

I (19 she/her) have sexual assault trauma, I won’t go into details but it involved a guy (let’s call him ‘S’) who I considered a best friend/brother during that time. I am also bisexual but that trauma caused me to be afraid of men so I haven’t fully appreciated being with/liking guys as much as I have with women.

Some months ago, I made a guy friend (who I will call ‘A’). I instantly felt the chemistry we had and we flirt often plus he broke up with his girlfriend 2 weeks ago so he’s giving me the eyes. I like to flirt back to some extent, I wouldn’t mind something else happening but I don’t have feelings for him. The thing is sometimes looking at him or talking to him gives me flashbacks of S; I know I shouldn’t but my body/mind creates this mental barrier to keep me safe, I guess.

Today I reacted really badly to him being a little more forward than usual. He just leaned his arm or leg on my thigh but my body immediately tensed up, I was on the verge of having a panic attack or at least I was having one internally – just like how I reacted during my sexual assault. A didn’t even do anything, he just touched my leg longer than anyone would. I’m really frustrated, I don’t like him, I like flirting and creating the sexual tension, but the moment I could reciprocate a real sign like touching him back or leaning into his arm my anxiety kicks in. He was considerate because I moved my leg away and I went very quiet to try and control my panic attack so he noticed and asked if I was okay. I want to throw myself into having sex with A but I might regret it because of my lack of feelings and of fear of recreating or worsening my trauma.

I know I don’t owe A any kind of explanation for how I am but also I feel like I may regret going further with him but I want to get over my trauma. Going to therapy may help but I don’t feel like fully letting my wound re-open because I want to experience my sexuality freely.

Should I just go for it? Should I talk to him about it? I don’t know what to do with myself.

I (19 she/her) have sexual assault trauma, I won’t go into details but it involved a guy (let’s call him ‘S’) who I considered a best friend/brother during that time. I am also bisexual but that trauma caused me to be afraid of men so I haven’t fully appreciated being with/liking guys as much as I have with women.

Some months ago, I made a guy friend (who I will call ‘A’). I instantly felt the chemistry we had and we flirt often plus he broke up with his girlfriend 2 weeks ago so he’s giving me the eyes. I like to flirt back to some extent, I wouldn’t mind something else happening but I don’t have feelings for him. The thing is sometimes looking at him or talking to him gives me flashbacks of S; I know I shouldn’t but my body/mind creates this mental barrier to keep me safe, I guess.

Today I reacted really badly to him being a little more forward than usual. He just leaned his arm or leg on my thigh but my body immediately tensed up, I was on the verge of having a panic attack or at least I was having one internally – just like how I reacted during my sexual assault. A didn’t even do anything, he just touched my leg longer than anyone would. I’m really frustrated, I don’t like him, I like flirting and creating the sexual tension, but the moment I could reciprocate a real sign like touching him back or leaning into his arm my anxiety kicks in. He was considerate because I moved my leg away and I went very quiet to try and control my panic attack so he noticed and asked if I was okay. I want to throw myself into having sex with A but I might regret it because of my lack of feelings and of fear of recreating or worsening my trauma.

I know I don’t owe A any kind of explanation for how I am but also I feel like I may regret going further with him but I want to get over my trauma. Going to therapy may help but I don’t feel like fully letting my wound re-open because I want to experience my sexuality freely.

Should I just go for it? Should I talk to him about it? I don’t know what to do with myself.