Embarrassed about my weight and scared to have sex. /u/Individual-Ad5641 Sex

I’m a 31F and me and my husband (30M) very rarely have sex because I just get so anxious and embarrassed.

Bit of background, I have a bit of an odd relationship with sex. When I was 19 (and still a virgin) I worked for a sex toy company. Talking about sex doesn’t phase me in the slightest, I’m very comfortable around it and I think this job definitely helped with that. I eventually lost my virginity at 21 with my 8 year older boyfriend. We were together for 2.5 years and at first had sex a lot but he wasn’t a good guy and eventually I just stopped being interested. I had put on weight and didn’t feel nice and thought I was just one of those people who didn’t enjoy sex. That was until I came off the pill, realised I wanted sex all the time but just not with him. For context I would pretend to be asleep so he wouldn’t initiate sex and would listen to him masturbate in the bed next to me.

We broke up, I lost a lot of weight and had a bit of a single phase and hooked up with a couple of guys – always completely safe and consensual.

When I met my now husband 6 years ago, we had a lot of sex, and naturally things died down overtime but the last few years I could probably count on one hand the amount of times we’ve had sex. I have endometriosis and adenomyosis so sex is painful, I’ve put on a lot of weight from all the medication I’ve been on and just general poor mental health.

I had a total hysterectomy 7.5 weeks ago and tonight is the first time we’re having sex since to see how it is. My specialist assured me the pain would be gone and people in my support group have said amazing things about sex post surgery. But I’m really scared.

I want to have sex, I love my husband and he is so handsome and gorgeous, but I feel embarrassed initiating. He tries to talk dirty and I cringe I’m so embarrassed. I don’t want him to look at me because I feel so ugly and I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve not had any bad experiences with sex so I don’t understand why I feel like this, and my husband is a literal angel. I just don’t know what to do about it. I have very poor self esteem so I don’t know if it’s that, or if I’m just wired wrong. I don’t like being like this, any advice?

I’m a 31F and me and my husband (30M) very rarely have sex because I just get so anxious and embarrassed.

Bit of background, I have a bit of an odd relationship with sex. When I was 19 (and still a virgin) I worked for a sex toy company. Talking about sex doesn’t phase me in the slightest, I’m very comfortable around it and I think this job definitely helped with that. I eventually lost my virginity at 21 with my 8 year older boyfriend. We were together for 2.5 years and at first had sex a lot but he wasn’t a good guy and eventually I just stopped being interested. I had put on weight and didn’t feel nice and thought I was just one of those people who didn’t enjoy sex. That was until I came off the pill, realised I wanted sex all the time but just not with him. For context I would pretend to be asleep so he wouldn’t initiate sex and would listen to him masturbate in the bed next to me.

We broke up, I lost a lot of weight and had a bit of a single phase and hooked up with a couple of guys – always completely safe and consensual.

When I met my now husband 6 years ago, we had a lot of sex, and naturally things died down overtime but the last few years I could probably count on one hand the amount of times we’ve had sex. I have endometriosis and adenomyosis so sex is painful, I’ve put on a lot of weight from all the medication I’ve been on and just general poor mental health.

I had a total hysterectomy 7.5 weeks ago and tonight is the first time we’re having sex since to see how it is. My specialist assured me the pain would be gone and people in my support group have said amazing things about sex post surgery. But I’m really scared.

I want to have sex, I love my husband and he is so handsome and gorgeous, but I feel embarrassed initiating. He tries to talk dirty and I cringe I’m so embarrassed. I don’t want him to look at me because I feel so ugly and I don’t know what I’m doing.

I’ve not had any bad experiences with sex so I don’t understand why I feel like this, and my husband is a literal angel. I just don’t know what to do about it. I have very poor self esteem so I don’t know if it’s that, or if I’m just wired wrong. I don’t like being like this, any advice?