How do I (38M) tell my partner (38F) that sex with her is boring? /u/rodrg Sex

We have been together for almost 4 years, and things have been great for the most part – but sex has been an issue for a while now, at least to me.

We are very different in our intimacy needs. I like playfulness, trying new things, dirty pillow talk etc. She doesn’t like or need any of this – she is fine with things being as they are.

I have tried to discuss my needs a few times now. The first time I brought it up, I asked her if there was anything she would like to do sexually speaking, to which she said no. I then proceeded to say a few things I would like – not proposing anything, just opening up about my sexual preferences. Unfortunately, she did not understand my intentions and thought I was proposing the stuff I said; “I am not some hippie girl in her 20s”, she said.

Some time passes by, and I decided to take another approach – I found out about the Carnal Calibration quiz (a questionnaire you and your partner can take, and it shows if your kinks and quirks match up). We settled for the “beginner” level quiz. We had almost 0 matches, which immediately left me visibly sad. She noticed and (nicely) said “stop creating problems, it’s fine as is”.

Still, I tried a few other times. For instance, I told her that I missed the fact that it is always me who initiates intimacy, and that it would be nice if she did the same. She tried, in her way, which I appreciated, but it just turned out to be awkward. I then proceeded to explain how I would like it to be – her rubbing her booty against my body for instance, which she tried, but stopped, saying it felt “a bit vulgar” for her.

I then realized that, what I wanted from her, was like wanting a fish to climb a tree. She doesn’t like or care about sex the way I do; for her, these requests make no sense.

Since I felt things were not going to change with her, I was thinking I should try different things that only involve myself – using some male toys, for instance. I am a bit afraid to tell her this though – given her past reactions.

Our sex routine for the past year has been the same. The same foreplay, the same position. She doesn’t even do things that she used to do before (HJs, BJs).

We now got to a point where we haven’t had sex for the past couple of months. I don’t feel like doing it. She asked a couple of times why haven’t we’ve been having sex. I changed the subject and we moved on. I don’t want to do this forever, and I want to tell her. How do I tell her that it’s because I find our sex life boring? I once heard “I never liked your kiss” in year 8 of a relationship with someone else, and that deeply hurt me. I would never want to do something remotely similar to someone I love.

We have been together for almost 4 years, and things have been great for the most part – but sex has been an issue for a while now, at least to me.

We are very different in our intimacy needs. I like playfulness, trying new things, dirty pillow talk etc. She doesn’t like or need any of this – she is fine with things being as they are.

I have tried to discuss my needs a few times now. The first time I brought it up, I asked her if there was anything she would like to do sexually speaking, to which she said no. I then proceeded to say a few things I would like – not proposing anything, just opening up about my sexual preferences. Unfortunately, she did not understand my intentions and thought I was proposing the stuff I said; “I am not some hippie girl in her 20s”, she said.

Some time passes by, and I decided to take another approach – I found out about the Carnal Calibration quiz (a questionnaire you and your partner can take, and it shows if your kinks and quirks match up). We settled for the “beginner” level quiz. We had almost 0 matches, which immediately left me visibly sad. She noticed and (nicely) said “stop creating problems, it’s fine as is”.

Still, I tried a few other times. For instance, I told her that I missed the fact that it is always me who initiates intimacy, and that it would be nice if she did the same. She tried, in her way, which I appreciated, but it just turned out to be awkward. I then proceeded to explain how I would like it to be – her rubbing her booty against my body for instance, which she tried, but stopped, saying it felt “a bit vulgar” for her.

I then realized that, what I wanted from her, was like wanting a fish to climb a tree. She doesn’t like or care about sex the way I do; for her, these requests make no sense.

Since I felt things were not going to change with her, I was thinking I should try different things that only involve myself – using some male toys, for instance. I am a bit afraid to tell her this though – given her past reactions.

Our sex routine for the past year has been the same. The same foreplay, the same position. She doesn’t even do things that she used to do before (HJs, BJs).

We now got to a point where we haven’t had sex for the past couple of months. I don’t feel like doing it. She asked a couple of times why haven’t we’ve been having sex. I changed the subject and we moved on. I don’t want to do this forever, and I want to tell her. How do I tell her that it’s because I find our sex life boring? I once heard “I never liked your kiss” in year 8 of a relationship with someone else, and that deeply hurt me. I would never want to do something remotely similar to someone I love.