Was I sexually coerced in my marriage? /u/Pot8obois Sex

I’m a 29 year old man, divorced 3 years ago. The more therapy I have and the longer I have to process things, the more I uncover about how messed up the relationship was.

I haven’t dated much since the divorce, and one of my fears is actually sex. There are times I wish sex just wasn’t a thing, and that’s such a weird feeling to have when I know 20 year old me would have felt so differently.

Our entire relationship lasted about four years. We got married pretty quickly and held onto the Christian teachings we both grew up in, so sex didn’t happen until we were married. The first year started good, but we gradually stopped having as much sex. By the time our marriage ended, we were having sex at the most once or twice a month.

I spent most of our marriage as a full time student and full time worker. At the same time I was trying to invest in the marriage. You could say I was spread thin, and constantly tired. On top of this I have depression, and so that added on to my daily fatigue. I did almost all the cleaning. I’m not saying that my ex and I shared equal responsibility in the home. She barely even worked full time though, and I was working full time and in school full time. She naturally did more stuff around the house at the time. At first she was irritated that she was handling our finances, which was understandable. I tried to get involved, but every time I did I’d notice that she was spending our money above our means. When I would try to get involved and discuss our spending, she would get defensive and things would end with her screaming and crying at me.

The last year and a half of our marriage she yelled and cried at me because of our sex life. She felt it was my fault and that I wasn’t initiating enough. On top of all of this, her behavior towards me frequently made me feel that she did she not love who I was and she didn’t really like me either. I was getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night. Looking back, I was so busy trying to survive that I did not realize what was going on.

During one argument about our sex life, I tried to explain to her how I was feeling. She started cussing me out and screaming at me. I was legit scared of her, because I had never seen her so angry.

I started forcing myself to have sex with her, because I thought she would be happier and love me if I did. But it was so hard. I never thought forcing yourself to have sex with someone to try and save a marriage would feel so terrible. Things didn’t get better. One day she told me she wasn’t in love with me, and never was. I tried taking us to marriage counseling, but she was cheating on me, and excused it because of our “sexless marriage”.

I remember seeing that she had told her mother that having sex with me was like having sex with a dummy. I was hurt by that, because I was worn so thin and trying to force myself to do things I was not emotionally or physically available for.

I’m starting to wonder if I was sexually coerced, because it really felt like I was.

Years before she helped her friend out of an abusive marriage, and sexual coercion was one of the things going on. I remember hearing how awful it was to lay motionless as someone else is having sex with you, and feeling forced to be in that situation. I’m not saying my ex was as bad as that man was, but I also wonder if my ex ever connected the dots to what her friend had experienced and to how I was behaving.

There’s a lot more to my story, and she said and did some pretty messed up stuff to me. I am sympathetic towards the fact that my ex was frustrating about how sexual relationship, but she made it all about me being the problem and her being the victim in a sexless marriage. I wasn’t given the space to figure out what was going on or the listening ear to talk about how I was feelings.

I just wonder if I’m right about feeling sexually coerced, or I’m just exaggerating what happened.

I’m a 29 year old man, divorced 3 years ago. The more therapy I have and the longer I have to process things, the more I uncover about how messed up the relationship was.

I haven’t dated much since the divorce, and one of my fears is actually sex. There are times I wish sex just wasn’t a thing, and that’s such a weird feeling to have when I know 20 year old me would have felt so differently.

Our entire relationship lasted about four years. We got married pretty quickly and held onto the Christian teachings we both grew up in, so sex didn’t happen until we were married. The first year started good, but we gradually stopped having as much sex. By the time our marriage ended, we were having sex at the most once or twice a month.

I spent most of our marriage as a full time student and full time worker. At the same time I was trying to invest in the marriage. You could say I was spread thin, and constantly tired. On top of this I have depression, and so that added on to my daily fatigue. I did almost all the cleaning. I’m not saying that my ex and I shared equal responsibility in the home. She barely even worked full time though, and I was working full time and in school full time. She naturally did more stuff around the house at the time. At first she was irritated that she was handling our finances, which was understandable. I tried to get involved, but every time I did I’d notice that she was spending our money above our means. When I would try to get involved and discuss our spending, she would get defensive and things would end with her screaming and crying at me.

The last year and a half of our marriage she yelled and cried at me because of our sex life. She felt it was my fault and that I wasn’t initiating enough. On top of all of this, her behavior towards me frequently made me feel that she did she not love who I was and she didn’t really like me either. I was getting 4-5 hours of sleep a night. Looking back, I was so busy trying to survive that I did not realize what was going on.

During one argument about our sex life, I tried to explain to her how I was feeling. She started cussing me out and screaming at me. I was legit scared of her, because I had never seen her so angry.

I started forcing myself to have sex with her, because I thought she would be happier and love me if I did. But it was so hard. I never thought forcing yourself to have sex with someone to try and save a marriage would feel so terrible. Things didn’t get better. One day she told me she wasn’t in love with me, and never was. I tried taking us to marriage counseling, but she was cheating on me, and excused it because of our “sexless marriage”.

I remember seeing that she had told her mother that having sex with me was like having sex with a dummy. I was hurt by that, because I was worn so thin and trying to force myself to do things I was not emotionally or physically available for.

I’m starting to wonder if I was sexually coerced, because it really felt like I was.

Years before she helped her friend out of an abusive marriage, and sexual coercion was one of the things going on. I remember hearing how awful it was to lay motionless as someone else is having sex with you, and feeling forced to be in that situation. I’m not saying my ex was as bad as that man was, but I also wonder if my ex ever connected the dots to what her friend had experienced and to how I was behaving.

There’s a lot more to my story, and she said and did some pretty messed up stuff to me. I am sympathetic towards the fact that my ex was frustrating about how sexual relationship, but she made it all about me being the problem and her being the victim in a sexless marriage. I wasn’t given the space to figure out what was going on or the listening ear to talk about how I was feelings.

I just wonder if I’m right about feeling sexually coerced, or I’m just exaggerating what happened.