How can I tell my husband I’m unsatisfied with our sex life? /u/throwaway_37382993 Sex

I (40f) have been with my husband (42m) 10 years, married for 8. I have a much higher libido than him and it’s becoming a real problem for me. We didn’t live together before we got married so I didn’t realize it at first, and he told me he had a higher than average sex drive. Once we got married, though, the frequency dropped over the years to once a month, then a few times a year, and then we went an entire year without any kind of sex or sexual intimacy. Because he told me he had trouble keeping it up the last few times we had sex I assumed he couldn’t get it up and eventually I stopped trying because I didn’t want to make him self-conscious. Eventually I didn’t really even want it any more myself.

Two weeks ago was our anniversary and we had a really great talk about it all. He said it’s not a physical problem, he’s just really insecure about his weight. We talked through it and together decided to try to relight the flame. The first few days were great and we were like horny teenagers. Then he started to lose interest. We’ve still had sex a couple of times this week, but his enthusiasm is just not there. There’s no more passionate kissing or that “have to have you” feeling coming from him. I stopped initiating because I started to feel like it was just a chore for him. He says he’s still interested but it feels different.

On top of this, he doesn’t last very long these days. Maybe 10 minutes max. I orgasm ridiculously easily so I always get there, but it’s not enough to make me feel satisfied. I usually need 2-3 at least to feel “done”. But he doesn’t understand that so thinks we’re good, even though I tell him I want more. After he finishes he’s completely done, no more sexual desire at all, and that stays that way for at least a few days.

He doesn’t like exploring sexual activities, either, even though he insists he would. I like a bit of bondage and while he says he’d be interested in that he’s never done it. He won’t try anal. He won’t have sex with me while I’m on my period (not a kink of mine but frustrating to have to take a week off every month). He says he loves using toys on me but has only done it once or twice in ten years. He also says he loves going down on me, but he always seems to have an excuse not to.

I know we have incompatible drives but I’m not going to leave him. We have a life and kids together and I’m not losing all that just because of sex. But how can I talk to him about this in a way that doesn’t cause him to get more insecure and shut down? Especially because what he says he likes and wants is so different from what we actually experience. Is there anything that can be done to increase a person’s sex drive when it’s baseline low?

I (40f) have been with my husband (42m) 10 years, married for 8. I have a much higher libido than him and it’s becoming a real problem for me. We didn’t live together before we got married so I didn’t realize it at first, and he told me he had a higher than average sex drive. Once we got married, though, the frequency dropped over the years to once a month, then a few times a year, and then we went an entire year without any kind of sex or sexual intimacy. Because he told me he had trouble keeping it up the last few times we had sex I assumed he couldn’t get it up and eventually I stopped trying because I didn’t want to make him self-conscious. Eventually I didn’t really even want it any more myself.

Two weeks ago was our anniversary and we had a really great talk about it all. He said it’s not a physical problem, he’s just really insecure about his weight. We talked through it and together decided to try to relight the flame. The first few days were great and we were like horny teenagers. Then he started to lose interest. We’ve still had sex a couple of times this week, but his enthusiasm is just not there. There’s no more passionate kissing or that “have to have you” feeling coming from him. I stopped initiating because I started to feel like it was just a chore for him. He says he’s still interested but it feels different.

On top of this, he doesn’t last very long these days. Maybe 10 minutes max. I orgasm ridiculously easily so I always get there, but it’s not enough to make me feel satisfied. I usually need 2-3 at least to feel “done”. But he doesn’t understand that so thinks we’re good, even though I tell him I want more. After he finishes he’s completely done, no more sexual desire at all, and that stays that way for at least a few days.

He doesn’t like exploring sexual activities, either, even though he insists he would. I like a bit of bondage and while he says he’d be interested in that he’s never done it. He won’t try anal. He won’t have sex with me while I’m on my period (not a kink of mine but frustrating to have to take a week off every month). He says he loves using toys on me but has only done it once or twice in ten years. He also says he loves going down on me, but he always seems to have an excuse not to.

I know we have incompatible drives but I’m not going to leave him. We have a life and kids together and I’m not losing all that just because of sex. But how can I talk to him about this in a way that doesn’t cause him to get more insecure and shut down? Especially because what he says he likes and wants is so different from what we actually experience. Is there anything that can be done to increase a person’s sex drive when it’s baseline low?