When do you call it because of sexual incompatibility, and when do you try to fix it (and how)? /u/ThrowRA_Sad_Mushroom Sex

I initially posted this to relationship_advice, but I think this is a better place to ask so I elaborated a little and want to post here. Hope that’s okay.

My partner and I have been together for about a year, and have been long-distance for the past two months. In another two months, I can relocate to his area, which is also not too far from my friends and family. Our relationship is great so far, our communication is healthy (well, apart from what I describe here), and I do love him.

However, I have come to realise I’m not that attracted to him physically/sexually, and I think I never really have been. I have never orgasmed with him (I often fake it, which I do regret). We have talked and experimented and incorporated toys, and I know he is content with our sex life, but I am not and do not know how to fix it any more. I would not call him stereotypically selfish with sex, but perhaps subconsciously he is, definitely aided by me focusing my attention on him because I know I will not get off anyway. I recently read a woman’s confession about “grinning and bearing it”, and it sounded hauntingly familiar.

I also think there’s somewhat of a mismatch in the dynamics, where we both prefer the other person to be more dominant. I knew and expressed this preference from the beginning I think, and a few months in he communicated he likes me to take charge. I try for his sake but it does not do much for me. The same goes for his love for semi-public sex. I have indulged in those fantasies a few times because I did not mind a lot, and I want to do that for my partner, but it’s also not something I love. I think I try to also incorporate my fantasies, but even though I’m not ashamed of them and can talk about it, I don’t think I’m assertive enough in expressing my needs. The faking I mentioned does not help, because why would he work harder to satisfy me when the problem is invisible to him?

How did I end up here? I did notice I didn’t feel the strong physical attraction when we started dating, but other things worked very well. I was also ready for something more solid and healthy, and I hoped sexual/physical attraction would grow as I got to know him more. Unfortunately it has just diminished since the first few times we had sex, and I’m now wondering if will ever get better. I don’t find him repulsive, and we do cuddle and touch and kiss. I just don’t find him very sexually attractive, and in some ways I fake the sexual chemistry he experiences every time we are intimate, which I know is not genuine and I should not do. I have struggled with communicating my needs in bed in the past, but I have felt sexual desire and enjoyed sex a lot in the past. I also don’t think my libido is low, as I have a steady routine of fantasies and masturbation (4-7 times a week).

I want to acknowledge my role in this, and I am working on that with my therapist. I was planning to tell him about faking the orgasms, but I now think the problem is bigger and I want to figure it out a bit better first. Which is why I’m now looking for outside perspectives. Does this sound like something I can work on from within the relationship? Have others experienced this and have sexual chemistry grow later on? When do you keep trying and when do you give up?

Tl;dr: One year in, I do not feel sexual desire for my partner or enjoy the sex we have. Is there a way to fix this, and if so, how?

PS: – I don’t think long-distance is the problem, because I felt like this before that.

I initially posted this to relationship_advice, but I think this is a better place to ask so I elaborated a little and want to post here. Hope that’s okay.

My partner and I have been together for about a year, and have been long-distance for the past two months. In another two months, I can relocate to his area, which is also not too far from my friends and family. Our relationship is great so far, our communication is healthy (well, apart from what I describe here), and I do love him.

However, I have come to realise I’m not that attracted to him physically/sexually, and I think I never really have been. I have never orgasmed with him (I often fake it, which I do regret). We have talked and experimented and incorporated toys, and I know he is content with our sex life, but I am not and do not know how to fix it any more. I would not call him stereotypically selfish with sex, but perhaps subconsciously he is, definitely aided by me focusing my attention on him because I know I will not get off anyway. I recently read a woman’s confession about “grinning and bearing it”, and it sounded hauntingly familiar.

I also think there’s somewhat of a mismatch in the dynamics, where we both prefer the other person to be more dominant. I knew and expressed this preference from the beginning I think, and a few months in he communicated he likes me to take charge. I try for his sake but it does not do much for me. The same goes for his love for semi-public sex. I have indulged in those fantasies a few times because I did not mind a lot, and I want to do that for my partner, but it’s also not something I love. I think I try to also incorporate my fantasies, but even though I’m not ashamed of them and can talk about it, I don’t think I’m assertive enough in expressing my needs. The faking I mentioned does not help, because why would he work harder to satisfy me when the problem is invisible to him?

How did I end up here? I did notice I didn’t feel the strong physical attraction when we started dating, but other things worked very well. I was also ready for something more solid and healthy, and I hoped sexual/physical attraction would grow as I got to know him more. Unfortunately it has just diminished since the first few times we had sex, and I’m now wondering if will ever get better. I don’t find him repulsive, and we do cuddle and touch and kiss. I just don’t find him very sexually attractive, and in some ways I fake the sexual chemistry he experiences every time we are intimate, which I know is not genuine and I should not do. I have struggled with communicating my needs in bed in the past, but I have felt sexual desire and enjoyed sex a lot in the past. I also don’t think my libido is low, as I have a steady routine of fantasies and masturbation (4-7 times a week).

I want to acknowledge my role in this, and I am working on that with my therapist. I was planning to tell him about faking the orgasms, but I now think the problem is bigger and I want to figure it out a bit better first. Which is why I’m now looking for outside perspectives. Does this sound like something I can work on from within the relationship? Have others experienced this and have sexual chemistry grow later on? When do you keep trying and when do you give up?

Tl;dr: One year in, I do not feel sexual desire for my partner or enjoy the sex we have. Is there a way to fix this, and if so, how?

PS: – I don’t think long-distance is the problem, because I felt like this before that.