20F, emotional shutdown & disassociation during sex /u/confessed-throwaway Sex

hello all. i don’t quite know where to go with this, so i’m coming to the general subreddit for sex hahaha. me and my girlfriend (19F) were having sex like normally, except we are now playing with strap-ons. we have a very sexually charged relationship, but it’s always been healthy and open in communication.

to preface, she did not do anything wrong. she was having her fun penetrating me, she was doing the standard dirty talk and acting as caring as usual. i haven’t gotten penetrated with anything “phallic” since my last heterosexual relationship, so this is a big step for me emotionally because, sexual abuse occurred a few times in my life prior.

i haven’t had something like this happen with a woman, and i was beginning to feel “healed” in a sense. but, after she had finished, i haven’t. i suddenly went blank and had to get off her, and laid down on our bed. at this point i was feeling a mix of.. blankness and nausea. my mind was absolutely scattered i was thinking about completely irrelevant things, i wasn’t feeling whole & there in the moment. i trembled and fumbled with my hands and essentially just went nonverbal next to her. i had to minimise myself as little as possible and i just couldn’t look into her eyes. after a while i started crying and being short of breath, i was frozen in fear even when she was telling me to go shower and freshen up. i wasn’t panicking or anything. this wasn’t explosive. i was completely numb and disassociated. i felt quite ashamed of myself and dirty. like, actually a confused child? i still feel completely nauseous as i type this.

i am disappointed because i thought i healed myself in this part of my life. i have to add i JUST started taking birth control for PCOS. so maybe it’s the libido dropping side effect kicking in? i am not sure.

has anyone seen something similar? or experienced? how did you go about communicating with your partner?

hello all. i don’t quite know where to go with this, so i’m coming to the general subreddit for sex hahaha. me and my girlfriend (19F) were having sex like normally, except we are now playing with strap-ons. we have a very sexually charged relationship, but it’s always been healthy and open in communication.

to preface, she did not do anything wrong. she was having her fun penetrating me, she was doing the standard dirty talk and acting as caring as usual. i haven’t gotten penetrated with anything “phallic” since my last heterosexual relationship, so this is a big step for me emotionally because, sexual abuse occurred a few times in my life prior.

i haven’t had something like this happen with a woman, and i was beginning to feel “healed” in a sense. but, after she had finished, i haven’t. i suddenly went blank and had to get off her, and laid down on our bed. at this point i was feeling a mix of.. blankness and nausea. my mind was absolutely scattered i was thinking about completely irrelevant things, i wasn’t feeling whole & there in the moment. i trembled and fumbled with my hands and essentially just went nonverbal next to her. i had to minimise myself as little as possible and i just couldn’t look into her eyes. after a while i started crying and being short of breath, i was frozen in fear even when she was telling me to go shower and freshen up. i wasn’t panicking or anything. this wasn’t explosive. i was completely numb and disassociated. i felt quite ashamed of myself and dirty. like, actually a confused child? i still feel completely nauseous as i type this.

i am disappointed because i thought i healed myself in this part of my life. i have to add i JUST started taking birth control for PCOS. so maybe it’s the libido dropping side effect kicking in? i am not sure.

has anyone seen something similar? or experienced? how did you go about communicating with your partner?