Why do I hate her and myself after sex? /u/tracheathief1 Sex

I (18FTM) have been with my partner (18F) for nearly five years now. We started having sex early last year, and it’s been pretty great, but I’ve been struggling with a lot of negative emotions afterwards.

I’m fine when I’m topping or pleasuring her, but if I’m on the receiving end in any way then as soon as things settle down I get this awful pit in my stomach. I feel pure regret and shame, and I immediately have a sense of being filthy, miserable, and out of control. I don’t want her to touch me or speak to me, even for the purpose of aftercare.

Sometimes, when I’m on the receiving end, as we’re doing the deed I have a sense of detachment from my body, like I’m watching it be done to someone else.

Sex, while consensual, feels like a violation if I receive any sort of pleasure from it. I hesitate to say this because it might come across as callous, and I don’t mean for it to, but it feels like rape.

I haven’t shared these feelings with her because I don’t want her to feel like she’s doing anything wrong. Again, there is always enthusiastic consent from both of us. I have no issues with my body; in fact, I started testosterone last year, and the changes have made me happier with my physical appearance than ever.

My question is; why do I feel this way? How can I make it stop, or at least, cope with it?

TLDR; feel violated and miserable after consensual sex with my partner if i was on the receiving end

EDIT: To be clear, I’m a very sex-positive person. I am open with my needs and desires and feel no shame about what I want, it definitely isn’t a matter of internalized cultural pressure or anything like that.

I (18FTM) have been with my partner (18F) for nearly five years now. We started having sex early last year, and it’s been pretty great, but I’ve been struggling with a lot of negative emotions afterwards.

I’m fine when I’m topping or pleasuring her, but if I’m on the receiving end in any way then as soon as things settle down I get this awful pit in my stomach. I feel pure regret and shame, and I immediately have a sense of being filthy, miserable, and out of control. I don’t want her to touch me or speak to me, even for the purpose of aftercare.

Sometimes, when I’m on the receiving end, as we’re doing the deed I have a sense of detachment from my body, like I’m watching it be done to someone else.

Sex, while consensual, feels like a violation if I receive any sort of pleasure from it. I hesitate to say this because it might come across as callous, and I don’t mean for it to, but it feels like rape.

I haven’t shared these feelings with her because I don’t want her to feel like she’s doing anything wrong. Again, there is always enthusiastic consent from both of us. I have no issues with my body; in fact, I started testosterone last year, and the changes have made me happier with my physical appearance than ever.

My question is; why do I feel this way? How can I make it stop, or at least, cope with it?

TLDR; feel violated and miserable after consensual sex with my partner if i was on the receiving end

EDIT: To be clear, I’m a very sex-positive person. I am open with my needs and desires and feel no shame about what I want, it definitely isn’t a matter of internalized cultural pressure or anything like that.