18F My sexuality and sexual experience don’t match /u/Sea-Newspaper-7761 Sex

18F I’ve always known I was gay, but growing up in a homophobic religious environment made it hard to understand my feelings. I initially thought I didn’t like anybody because I had such an apparent lack of attraction towards men, and I didn’t think I was allowed to pursue women. When I was 9, I finally learned what it meant to be a lesbian, and it clicked. I’ve always dreamed of being with a woman, falling in love, and building a life together.

When I was 13, I had my first girlfriend and first kiss with my best friend, but we eventually lost contact due to us dropping out for mental health reasons.

After that, I experienced two situations where I got assaulted by women, once when I was 13 and once when I was 15. These experiences left me feeling hurt, guarded, and unsure of how to navigate intimacy.

In my teens, I struggled to connect with women in the way I wanted. Some dates didn’t progress, and others left me feeling rejected or misunderstood. I also turned to relationships with men, not because I was attracted to them but because sex felt like an accessible way to seek validation and numb my feelings of worthlessness. It was also a way for me to cope, albeit not a healthy coping mechanism, with my hypersexuality since getting assaulted led me to want to relive my assault. These relationships also had a considerable age gap (24,26,28,37) which I wonder if that power dynamic ended up just leaving me off worse. Over time, I realized this was only hurting me more.

I’ve been in therapy since I was 13, and in the past couple of years, I’ve made a lot of progress. Recently, I reconnected with my first girlfriend, and it’s been incredible. We’ve met up a couple of times, and I feel so much care, love, and comfort with her. This connection feels so different—soft, calm, and safe—and it’s the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted.

However, I feel nervous about intimacy. My past experiences with sex were often influenced by trauma or unhealthy dynamics, I would only really have rough degrading sex that was overall harmful and contributing to my PTSD, and I’ve never experienced what I’d consider healthy, loving intimacy. I still have a high sex drive I think due to my trauma and want to explore that part of our relationship, but I feel unsure of how to approach it in a way that reflects the care I feel for her. I feel unsure how to approach sex with someone I don’t feel scared around. I feel unsure how to approach sex with someone where I don’t want them to recreate my rape. I feel nervous having sex with women because of my rape.

For anyone who has experienced similar struggles with intimacy after difficult experiences, how did you navigate building a healthy sexual relationship? Any advice would mean so much to me.

18F I’ve always known I was gay, but growing up in a homophobic religious environment made it hard to understand my feelings. I initially thought I didn’t like anybody because I had such an apparent lack of attraction towards men, and I didn’t think I was allowed to pursue women. When I was 9, I finally learned what it meant to be a lesbian, and it clicked. I’ve always dreamed of being with a woman, falling in love, and building a life together.

When I was 13, I had my first girlfriend and first kiss with my best friend, but we eventually lost contact due to us dropping out for mental health reasons.

After that, I experienced two situations where I got assaulted by women, once when I was 13 and once when I was 15. These experiences left me feeling hurt, guarded, and unsure of how to navigate intimacy.

In my teens, I struggled to connect with women in the way I wanted. Some dates didn’t progress, and others left me feeling rejected or misunderstood. I also turned to relationships with men, not because I was attracted to them but because sex felt like an accessible way to seek validation and numb my feelings of worthlessness. It was also a way for me to cope, albeit not a healthy coping mechanism, with my hypersexuality since getting assaulted led me to want to relive my assault. These relationships also had a considerable age gap (24,26,28,37) which I wonder if that power dynamic ended up just leaving me off worse. Over time, I realized this was only hurting me more.

I’ve been in therapy since I was 13, and in the past couple of years, I’ve made a lot of progress. Recently, I reconnected with my first girlfriend, and it’s been incredible. We’ve met up a couple of times, and I feel so much care, love, and comfort with her. This connection feels so different—soft, calm, and safe—and it’s the kind of relationship I’ve always wanted.

However, I feel nervous about intimacy. My past experiences with sex were often influenced by trauma or unhealthy dynamics, I would only really have rough degrading sex that was overall harmful and contributing to my PTSD, and I’ve never experienced what I’d consider healthy, loving intimacy. I still have a high sex drive I think due to my trauma and want to explore that part of our relationship, but I feel unsure of how to approach it in a way that reflects the care I feel for her. I feel unsure how to approach sex with someone I don’t feel scared around. I feel unsure how to approach sex with someone where I don’t want them to recreate my rape. I feel nervous having sex with women because of my rape.

For anyone who has experienced similar struggles with intimacy after difficult experiences, how did you navigate building a healthy sexual relationship? Any advice would mean so much to me.