i crave intimacy so much /u/HelpDazzling7577 Sex

my sexual trauma is interfering with my current sex life

i find myself to be a pretty sexual person, but not really for the right reasons. i lost my virginity at the age of 14 to my first bf who was incredible toxic and controlling, and practically coerced me into having sex. we dated on and off throughout the majority of hs, before finally breaking it off officially after we graduated and he no longer had access to me pretty much everyday from going to the same school. while we were together tho, he made this expectation that when we were older, we would get married as soon as possible and have sex basically all the time. being a people pleaser and highly insecure at the time, i didn’t want to lose my first bf to someone else who i knew would give him what he wanted. so like the naive teenager i was, i gave in. up until i went to college, he was the only person i had ever had sex with and from the beginning, it had undertones of pressure and harassment. that was all i knew. during my first semester of college and when i turned 18, i downloaded tinder and began my journey with hookup culture. since then, i’ve had sex with about 10 people, only 3 of these people being ones i’ve done things with more than once (fwbs). the last time i had sex with another person was in october 2023. it was a hookup during halloweekend that year that left me feeling gross and used. i was asking myself “did i really enjoy that? did i even really want to do that to begin with?” when i got back to friends place and showered his smell off of me. after i got out the shower that night, i had another shot and bawled my eyes out in front of my friends because i was just so tired and drained. i began to realize i don’t find myself to enjoy hookups like i though i would. i don’t see the enjoyment of letting a man basically use me as his personal cocksleeve until he gets his rocks off and then doesn’t even care enough to help me cum (not like he could anyway) afterwards. like, what do i really get out of these interactions other than mixed signals and feelings from confused boys, sti/std and pregnancy risks, and a lessened value as a woman because let’s face it, having a high body count is looked down upon in this society if you’re a woman.

i recently was in a relationship during august-november 2024. a friend of mine i had known for the last five years hung out with me for the first time in a while and expressed interest in wanting to be more than friends with me. however, he is incredibly in tune with his christian identity and holds waiting until marriage very highly. although he was aware of the fact that i was not a virgin when we met, and had definitely been involved in hookup culture, he still was willing to look past that, and wanted to start a relationship with me. i felt flattered and seen, like wow, what could be better than a good friend of yours professing their love to you after years of knowing each other, while also being able to see your flaws and put them aside, loving you for just you. i let my guard down. i figured people don’t ask their friends to be in a relationship without thinking it through very thoroughly, and why would he be rushing into something with someone he’s known for so long? nothing has really changed, just our title, right? i couldn’t have been more wrong. after three months of love bombing, our relationship ended seemingly so abruptly. but while we were together, the moment we would begin to kiss there was this sexual energy behind it. as to be expected, we are both mature adults with human feelings, even though he doesn’t want to have sex, i still know he gets horny just like everyone else. he and i would grind/dry hump sometimes and i even made him cum in his pants more than once. but all that being said, he would be incredibly guilty afterwards, or barely want to acknowledge that we did anything afterwards, even though he more often than not was the one initiating these things (suggesting i stay the night at his house, suggesting we take our clothes off, telling me i can touch him wherever, touching me without asking first and assuming “that’s what i want”, etc.). all of this, only to be thrown away like trash along with our entire friendship before we even started dating, just because i guess i’m too much of a distraction. i’m not beautiful or pretty, i’m hot and sexy to every guy i’ve talked to. a cute potential fuck toy to learn from and experiment with so that he can go be better with some other girl who’s worthy of a real man. but why aren’t i worthy of that kind of love? when i’m horny and want to have sex, i want it to be with someone who loves and cares about me. someone who’s genuinely invested in making me feel good because the entire time i’ve been sexually active, i’ve focused too much on how to make my male partners feel good in order to please and where it used to feel like an accomplishment, now i just feel like gum that’s been chewed up and spit back out.

the kind of porn i watch is reflective of what i desire as well. i’ve even paid for a couple’s onlyfans (lustfullovers; also known as sav and tara on OF) once or twice because i liked their content so much on pornhub and there was truly nothing else like it, that i genuinely craved more of it. they are a couple that express their passion for each other through their bodies and how they make love to each other on camera. obviously, ik they’re real people as well and also are likely flawed and their relationship is not perfect, but what they portray is definitely something to strive for and if there is such a thing, i would classify their content as an example of healthy porn. i feel pathetic because as a 21 year old college student, i feel like some kind of incel/femcel. the truth is, i just want to feel taken care of, like i can be soft and submissive without someone using it against me or inevitably leaving me shortly after. i fear being lied to about being loved so much and my most recent relationship proved me right. the experience i’ve had with men thus far have made me want to put even thicker walls up. ik confirmation bias is not a good thing to live by but i’m finding it very difficult not to take this black pill and just become celibate and close myself off to everything intimate or fall into the pit of hookup culture and just say fuck it. literally.

my sexual trauma is interfering with my current sex life

i find myself to be a pretty sexual person, but not really for the right reasons. i lost my virginity at the age of 14 to my first bf who was incredible toxic and controlling, and practically coerced me into having sex. we dated on and off throughout the majority of hs, before finally breaking it off officially after we graduated and he no longer had access to me pretty much everyday from going to the same school. while we were together tho, he made this expectation that when we were older, we would get married as soon as possible and have sex basically all the time. being a people pleaser and highly insecure at the time, i didn’t want to lose my first bf to someone else who i knew would give him what he wanted. so like the naive teenager i was, i gave in. up until i went to college, he was the only person i had ever had sex with and from the beginning, it had undertones of pressure and harassment. that was all i knew. during my first semester of college and when i turned 18, i downloaded tinder and began my journey with hookup culture. since then, i’ve had sex with about 10 people, only 3 of these people being ones i’ve done things with more than once (fwbs). the last time i had sex with another person was in october 2023. it was a hookup during halloweekend that year that left me feeling gross and used. i was asking myself “did i really enjoy that? did i even really want to do that to begin with?” when i got back to friends place and showered his smell off of me. after i got out the shower that night, i had another shot and bawled my eyes out in front of my friends because i was just so tired and drained. i began to realize i don’t find myself to enjoy hookups like i though i would. i don’t see the enjoyment of letting a man basically use me as his personal cocksleeve until he gets his rocks off and then doesn’t even care enough to help me cum (not like he could anyway) afterwards. like, what do i really get out of these interactions other than mixed signals and feelings from confused boys, sti/std and pregnancy risks, and a lessened value as a woman because let’s face it, having a high body count is looked down upon in this society if you’re a woman.

i recently was in a relationship during august-november 2024. a friend of mine i had known for the last five years hung out with me for the first time in a while and expressed interest in wanting to be more than friends with me. however, he is incredibly in tune with his christian identity and holds waiting until marriage very highly. although he was aware of the fact that i was not a virgin when we met, and had definitely been involved in hookup culture, he still was willing to look past that, and wanted to start a relationship with me. i felt flattered and seen, like wow, what could be better than a good friend of yours professing their love to you after years of knowing each other, while also being able to see your flaws and put them aside, loving you for just you. i let my guard down. i figured people don’t ask their friends to be in a relationship without thinking it through very thoroughly, and why would he be rushing into something with someone he’s known for so long? nothing has really changed, just our title, right? i couldn’t have been more wrong. after three months of love bombing, our relationship ended seemingly so abruptly. but while we were together, the moment we would begin to kiss there was this sexual energy behind it. as to be expected, we are both mature adults with human feelings, even though he doesn’t want to have sex, i still know he gets horny just like everyone else. he and i would grind/dry hump sometimes and i even made him cum in his pants more than once. but all that being said, he would be incredibly guilty afterwards, or barely want to acknowledge that we did anything afterwards, even though he more often than not was the one initiating these things (suggesting i stay the night at his house, suggesting we take our clothes off, telling me i can touch him wherever, touching me without asking first and assuming “that’s what i want”, etc.). all of this, only to be thrown away like trash along with our entire friendship before we even started dating, just because i guess i’m too much of a distraction. i’m not beautiful or pretty, i’m hot and sexy to every guy i’ve talked to. a cute potential fuck toy to learn from and experiment with so that he can go be better with some other girl who’s worthy of a real man. but why aren’t i worthy of that kind of love? when i’m horny and want to have sex, i want it to be with someone who loves and cares about me. someone who’s genuinely invested in making me feel good because the entire time i’ve been sexually active, i’ve focused too much on how to make my male partners feel good in order to please and where it used to feel like an accomplishment, now i just feel like gum that’s been chewed up and spit back out.

the kind of porn i watch is reflective of what i desire as well. i’ve even paid for a couple’s onlyfans (lustfullovers; also known as sav and tara on OF) once or twice because i liked their content so much on pornhub and there was truly nothing else like it, that i genuinely craved more of it. they are a couple that express their passion for each other through their bodies and how they make love to each other on camera. obviously, ik they’re real people as well and also are likely flawed and their relationship is not perfect, but what they portray is definitely something to strive for and if there is such a thing, i would classify their content as an example of healthy porn. i feel pathetic because as a 21 year old college student, i feel like some kind of incel/femcel. the truth is, i just want to feel taken care of, like i can be soft and submissive without someone using it against me or inevitably leaving me shortly after. i fear being lied to about being loved so much and my most recent relationship proved me right. the experience i’ve had with men thus far have made me want to put even thicker walls up. ik confirmation bias is not a good thing to live by but i’m finding it very difficult not to take this black pill and just become celibate and close myself off to everything intimate or fall into the pit of hookup culture and just say fuck it. literally.