I (31f) have decided to stop having casual sex /u/Forsaken-Candy-5410 Sex

I don’t understand this hook up culture at all.

For a long time I’ve engaged in casual sex and it has never ended well. At the start of the year I left my partner of 3 years because he cheated on me when my mother died. I’ve never felt so low. I met someone a couple of months after on tinder after asking for a date. I just wanted someone to take me out so I felt like a worthwhile person again. But our schedules never aligned. We ended up having late night hook ups instead. I didn’t have any feelings towards him then, but it was mind-bending, magical sex. I became hooked to him. The more I got to know him the more I liked. This went on for 5 months. I eventually developed feelings for him, I told him that. He claimed he didn’t want to hurt me. I stupidly stayed.

After 5 months he started to act rudely towards me, being dismissive, bragging about all the other women he’s been with at the time. And he said one thing the last time we hooked up that I’ll never forget;

“You don’t make a man fall in love with you through sex”

I was appalled. I didn’t use my body to get him to love me. I liked who he was as a person and was hoping he liked who I was also. But then it hit me, after 5 months, I never got that date. Not even a dinner out, a walk in the park, nothing. I saw him exclusively in the bedroom. So I cut ties. He was cruel and nasty about it, I now despise him.

2 months later I had met someone through work, we had a one night stand. I didn’t have feelings for him, but I did want to get to know him better. After that night he never spoke to me again.

Then there was another, I decided after all that has happened that I won’t have sex but we can “fool around” if you know what I mean. So we did, again once, and he also didn’t speak to me again.

Then last month I hung out with someone else, we kissed, he wanted to have sex with me and I said no. I decided I wanted nothing to do with casual sex anymore. The next day he told me he wasnt interested in pursuing me. At this point I was at a loss for words. I felt worthless.

Then something truly horrible happened to me this week. I have this friend I’ve known for a while, I’ve always had a crush on him but I didn’t think he was interested so I kept him at a distance for both our sakes. On Christmas eve we were at a party together and he offered to take me home on his motorbike, my first time on a bike so I was excited. On the way home he pulled into the local airport take-off look out. He asked if he could kiss me, I was so excited of course I said yes. We went back to his, we hooked up. That began our week of passion. Unlike the first guy I mentioned, he was gentle, loving, kind and giving. He taught me new things in the bedroom and we’d have wonderful conversations. We admitted we were both crushing on each other and I felt on cloud nine. Had I finally found someone who mutually likes me too? We were inseparable all week. I went to his, he came to mine, we hung out in our friend group without any awkwardness. We kept it secret.

Come new years eve I asked him if he was going to our friends party and he said he was “are you hoping for a midnight kiss” he asked me, I said I was. When I got there he was the first person I saw as I opened the door, his eyes lit up, I swear I saw him blush, he felt hot as I hugged him, I thought “wow I’m so lucky” we were basically hanging off each other all night, our secret was no longer a secret. We decided to not kiss until midnight, so when it happened, it was a huge release. Afterwards we went outside to kiss in private. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me, with softness and care. I felt beautiful for the first time in a long time.

Throughout the night I caught him staring at me from across the room, he spoke of us to our friends with grace and hope. We ended up leaving together around 2am and went back to his place for more sex. For the first time in my life I felt like a woman.

The next morning I got up the courage to finally ask him on a date, and I was shocked when he said “no, I don’t see a future in you” it broke me. At first I just said “that’s fine” and we started to make out again but I told him to stop. I cried. And surprisingly, he cried too. He said he knows how I feel, he said it wasn’t fair on me. He just doesn’t go on dates with people he doesn’t think he can spend the rest of his life with. That hurt so deeply. We both cried for hours. When we had both calmed down we had more sex and it lasted for 5 damn hours!! I knew this would be the last time.

When he dropped me off at home we kissed again, I tried to act cool and understanding. Then went up to my apartment and I’ve been crying non-stop for 24 hours. I haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept, I can’t get him out of my mind. I messaged him to say I can’t sleep with him anymore. I told him I’d always want him, and I don’t hate him for having a boundary and I won’t beg him to change that. But this is my boundary. I can’t do casual sex. I feel used even though he treated me with the utmost respect. I can’t punish myself even though it was the most passionate, loving sex I’ve ever had.

As much as I’m ready to love and be loved, I’m not going to sacrifice my body for a guy who says he has a crush on me but won’t spend time with me outside of the bedroom.

Casual sex im sure is so much fun for everyone else, maybe I’m just broken. I don’t understand hook up culture and how everyone else seems to have a fuck buddy and I can’t handle it. I’m a sex positive person but I end up connected to them more than ever and not one has wanted to pursue me at all.

Today I feel worthless. I just needed to share this.

I don’t understand this hook up culture at all.

For a long time I’ve engaged in casual sex and it has never ended well. At the start of the year I left my partner of 3 years because he cheated on me when my mother died. I’ve never felt so low. I met someone a couple of months after on tinder after asking for a date. I just wanted someone to take me out so I felt like a worthwhile person again. But our schedules never aligned. We ended up having late night hook ups instead. I didn’t have any feelings towards him then, but it was mind-bending, magical sex. I became hooked to him. The more I got to know him the more I liked. This went on for 5 months. I eventually developed feelings for him, I told him that. He claimed he didn’t want to hurt me. I stupidly stayed.

After 5 months he started to act rudely towards me, being dismissive, bragging about all the other women he’s been with at the time. And he said one thing the last time we hooked up that I’ll never forget;

“You don’t make a man fall in love with you through sex”

I was appalled. I didn’t use my body to get him to love me. I liked who he was as a person and was hoping he liked who I was also. But then it hit me, after 5 months, I never got that date. Not even a dinner out, a walk in the park, nothing. I saw him exclusively in the bedroom. So I cut ties. He was cruel and nasty about it, I now despise him.

2 months later I had met someone through work, we had a one night stand. I didn’t have feelings for him, but I did want to get to know him better. After that night he never spoke to me again.

Then there was another, I decided after all that has happened that I won’t have sex but we can “fool around” if you know what I mean. So we did, again once, and he also didn’t speak to me again.

Then last month I hung out with someone else, we kissed, he wanted to have sex with me and I said no. I decided I wanted nothing to do with casual sex anymore. The next day he told me he wasnt interested in pursuing me. At this point I was at a loss for words. I felt worthless.

Then something truly horrible happened to me this week. I have this friend I’ve known for a while, I’ve always had a crush on him but I didn’t think he was interested so I kept him at a distance for both our sakes. On Christmas eve we were at a party together and he offered to take me home on his motorbike, my first time on a bike so I was excited. On the way home he pulled into the local airport take-off look out. He asked if he could kiss me, I was so excited of course I said yes. We went back to his, we hooked up. That began our week of passion. Unlike the first guy I mentioned, he was gentle, loving, kind and giving. He taught me new things in the bedroom and we’d have wonderful conversations. We admitted we were both crushing on each other and I felt on cloud nine. Had I finally found someone who mutually likes me too? We were inseparable all week. I went to his, he came to mine, we hung out in our friend group without any awkwardness. We kept it secret.

Come new years eve I asked him if he was going to our friends party and he said he was “are you hoping for a midnight kiss” he asked me, I said I was. When I got there he was the first person I saw as I opened the door, his eyes lit up, I swear I saw him blush, he felt hot as I hugged him, I thought “wow I’m so lucky” we were basically hanging off each other all night, our secret was no longer a secret. We decided to not kiss until midnight, so when it happened, it was a huge release. Afterwards we went outside to kiss in private. I’ll never forget the way he looked at me, with softness and care. I felt beautiful for the first time in a long time.

Throughout the night I caught him staring at me from across the room, he spoke of us to our friends with grace and hope. We ended up leaving together around 2am and went back to his place for more sex. For the first time in my life I felt like a woman.

The next morning I got up the courage to finally ask him on a date, and I was shocked when he said “no, I don’t see a future in you” it broke me. At first I just said “that’s fine” and we started to make out again but I told him to stop. I cried. And surprisingly, he cried too. He said he knows how I feel, he said it wasn’t fair on me. He just doesn’t go on dates with people he doesn’t think he can spend the rest of his life with. That hurt so deeply. We both cried for hours. When we had both calmed down we had more sex and it lasted for 5 damn hours!! I knew this would be the last time.

When he dropped me off at home we kissed again, I tried to act cool and understanding. Then went up to my apartment and I’ve been crying non-stop for 24 hours. I haven’t eaten, I haven’t slept, I can’t get him out of my mind. I messaged him to say I can’t sleep with him anymore. I told him I’d always want him, and I don’t hate him for having a boundary and I won’t beg him to change that. But this is my boundary. I can’t do casual sex. I feel used even though he treated me with the utmost respect. I can’t punish myself even though it was the most passionate, loving sex I’ve ever had.

As much as I’m ready to love and be loved, I’m not going to sacrifice my body for a guy who says he has a crush on me but won’t spend time with me outside of the bedroom.

Casual sex im sure is so much fun for everyone else, maybe I’m just broken. I don’t understand hook up culture and how everyone else seems to have a fuck buddy and I can’t handle it. I’m a sex positive person but I end up connected to them more than ever and not one has wanted to pursue me at all.

Today I feel worthless. I just needed to share this.