Marriage without physical intimacy /u/Neat-Tourist-2267 Sex

Nineteen years ago, my wife, Joan, developed breast cancer (ductile carcinoma in situ) which also caused her ovaries to become much enlarged. I’m told her cancer was almost certainly the result of an HPV infection she acquired from a previous partner.

In the course of her treatment, she lost her left breast and underwent a bilateral oophorectomy. This caused her to become immediately menopausal, and to lose all interest in sexual intimacy.

Our once robust sex life came to a screeching halt, and to make matters worse, my wife couldn’t have hormone replacement therapy because hers was an estrogen receptive cancer. Hormone replacement therapy, we were told, could actually trigger a recurrence of her cancer!

My wife has repeatedly told me that the sexual aspect of our marriage was effectively over, and that I should “just get used to it.” In her words, “That ship has sailed.” The trouble is, her ship may have sailed, but mine hasn’t, and her indifference to my physical and emotional needs is a source of deep-seated frustration and resentment. It bothers me that before we met, my wife did things with other guys that she won’t do with her loving husband of 33 years.

I still love my wife and have an active sex drive. I still desire intercourse and other forms of sexual expression. Sadly, there’s been none of that for eight long years, and alarmingly, my wife has now begun to shun even kisses, hugs and other more routine forms of intimacy – sometimes forcefully so. Recently, while lying in bed, my left hand fell across her right breast, and I caressed it tenderly. She went ballistic, slapping my hand away and scolding “Those don’t belong to you!” Another time, I went to hug her, and she recoiled, scolding “Stop acting like Pepe’ Le Pew!”

Look, physical intimacy is a fundamental part of marriage. It fosters a sense of togetherness, belonging and emotional wellbeing. It is essential to feeling loved and maintaining a sense of self-worth. It also relieves stress, improves sleep and even boosts immune function. I’ve been denied those things for far too long. Through no fault of my own, I’ve been forced into an unsatisfying and essentially celibate relationship. Failing some improvement, I fear our relationship is doomed.

My wife won’t participate in counseling, won’t see a sex therapist, and won’t take antidepressants as recommended by her physician. She becomes extremely defensive when I even try to broach the subject in one-on-one conversation.

What more can I do?

Nineteen years ago, my wife, Joan, developed breast cancer (ductile carcinoma in situ) which also caused her ovaries to become much enlarged. I’m told her cancer was almost certainly the result of an HPV infection she acquired from a previous partner.

In the course of her treatment, she lost her left breast and underwent a bilateral oophorectomy. This caused her to become immediately menopausal, and to lose all interest in sexual intimacy.

Our once robust sex life came to a screeching halt, and to make matters worse, my wife couldn’t have hormone replacement therapy because hers was an estrogen receptive cancer. Hormone replacement therapy, we were told, could actually trigger a recurrence of her cancer!

My wife has repeatedly told me that the sexual aspect of our marriage was effectively over, and that I should “just get used to it.” In her words, “That ship has sailed.” The trouble is, her ship may have sailed, but mine hasn’t, and her indifference to my physical and emotional needs is a source of deep-seated frustration and resentment. It bothers me that before we met, my wife did things with other guys that she won’t do with her loving husband of 33 years.

I still love my wife and have an active sex drive. I still desire intercourse and other forms of sexual expression. Sadly, there’s been none of that for eight long years, and alarmingly, my wife has now begun to shun even kisses, hugs and other more routine forms of intimacy – sometimes forcefully so. Recently, while lying in bed, my left hand fell across her right breast, and I caressed it tenderly. She went ballistic, slapping my hand away and scolding “Those don’t belong to you!” Another time, I went to hug her, and she recoiled, scolding “Stop acting like Pepe’ Le Pew!”

Look, physical intimacy is a fundamental part of marriage. It fosters a sense of togetherness, belonging and emotional wellbeing. It is essential to feeling loved and maintaining a sense of self-worth. It also relieves stress, improves sleep and even boosts immune function. I’ve been denied those things for far too long. Through no fault of my own, I’ve been forced into an unsatisfying and essentially celibate relationship. Failing some improvement, I fear our relationship is doomed.

My wife won’t participate in counseling, won’t see a sex therapist, and won’t take antidepressants as recommended by her physician. She becomes extremely defensive when I even try to broach the subject in one-on-one conversation.

What more can I do?