Why does sex hurt my girlfriend sometimes? How do I help? /u/Trying_to-be-better Sex

My girlfriend and I have been together for about ten months now, and for the first half of our relationship, the sex was good and (reasonably) frequent. Sometime during the summer, our sexual frequency began to plummet, and since then we’ve only had sex about once a month on average.

For the longest time, I tried to be patient and not bring it up, but I eventually asked her what had changed. She told me that while we’re having sex, everything feels good in the beginning, but eventually she gets this vague feeling of dread, usually accompanied by pain. Sometimes it’s just a mental feeling, sometimes it’s just the physical pain, but usually it’s both. She doesn’t know exactly why she feels this or what triggers it, but she says that it’s probably at least partially due to trauma from SA.

I have always tried to be as gentle and attentive as possible. The absolute last thing I want is to be pushy or insensitive, and my one and only goal during sex is to make sure that she enjoys it as much as possible. I almost always let her initiate, I make sure that we have at least a good 10-15 minutes of foreplay beforehand, and I always ask her how things are feeling. Whenever I notice that she’s in pain, I stop and ask her if she’s okay.

She assures me that she’s still attracted to me and that none of this is my fault… but that just feels so hard to believe sometimes. Earlier today, we just had sex for the first time in a month, and she had it cut it short. I’ve asked her if there’s anything that I can do to help her, but she says that there isn’t.

One thing that concerns me is that I don’t think that she’s too motivated to fix this problem. It seems like this problem has tanked her sex drive, and if she doesn’t have a sex drive anymore, then she wouldn’t have any motivation to help make sex enjoyable for her again… she’d rather just not bother.

She has told me that sex isn’t important to her and that she could easily go without sex for the rest of her life. But at the same time, she says that I am very good in bed and that she usually enjoys having sex with me. She does have orgasms.

Obviously, I’m worried that she just isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore and just doesn’t have the heart to tell me, because she knows that I would end the relationship if that were the case. Still, she has assured me that that isn’t the case.

Beyond that, I’m worried that this issue is never going to get resolved and that I’m going to be stuck in a borderline sexless relationship. I don’t think I would have it in me to break up with her. I’ve never broken up with someone before and I really don’t want to leave her, but I feel like I might have to at some point.

What should I do? I’m only 19 and I’m pretty inexperienced in general.

Thanks in advance for any responses, I really need some advice

My girlfriend and I have been together for about ten months now, and for the first half of our relationship, the sex was good and (reasonably) frequent. Sometime during the summer, our sexual frequency began to plummet, and since then we’ve only had sex about once a month on average.

For the longest time, I tried to be patient and not bring it up, but I eventually asked her what had changed. She told me that while we’re having sex, everything feels good in the beginning, but eventually she gets this vague feeling of dread, usually accompanied by pain. Sometimes it’s just a mental feeling, sometimes it’s just the physical pain, but usually it’s both. She doesn’t know exactly why she feels this or what triggers it, but she says that it’s probably at least partially due to trauma from SA.

I have always tried to be as gentle and attentive as possible. The absolute last thing I want is to be pushy or insensitive, and my one and only goal during sex is to make sure that she enjoys it as much as possible. I almost always let her initiate, I make sure that we have at least a good 10-15 minutes of foreplay beforehand, and I always ask her how things are feeling. Whenever I notice that she’s in pain, I stop and ask her if she’s okay.

She assures me that she’s still attracted to me and that none of this is my fault… but that just feels so hard to believe sometimes. Earlier today, we just had sex for the first time in a month, and she had it cut it short. I’ve asked her if there’s anything that I can do to help her, but she says that there isn’t.

One thing that concerns me is that I don’t think that she’s too motivated to fix this problem. It seems like this problem has tanked her sex drive, and if she doesn’t have a sex drive anymore, then she wouldn’t have any motivation to help make sex enjoyable for her again… she’d rather just not bother.

She has told me that sex isn’t important to her and that she could easily go without sex for the rest of her life. But at the same time, she says that I am very good in bed and that she usually enjoys having sex with me. She does have orgasms.

Obviously, I’m worried that she just isn’t sexually attracted to me anymore and just doesn’t have the heart to tell me, because she knows that I would end the relationship if that were the case. Still, she has assured me that that isn’t the case.

Beyond that, I’m worried that this issue is never going to get resolved and that I’m going to be stuck in a borderline sexless relationship. I don’t think I would have it in me to break up with her. I’ve never broken up with someone before and I really don’t want to leave her, but I feel like I might have to at some point.

What should I do? I’m only 19 and I’m pretty inexperienced in general.

Thanks in advance for any responses, I really need some advice