past trauma is blooming into kinks feel ashamed what should i do /u/dottieladybug Sex

i think it’s maybe what’s blocking me from getting a true O when i masturbate, maybe it’s a mental block. i feel abnormal and ashamed really. i know ppl say these things do happen to ppl sometimes trauma can warp in different ways but it still doesn’t feel any less bad. i feel like a freak sometimes. i know the best way to get over trauma is through therapy. i’ve been trying but because my insurance doesn’t cover mental health therapy i haven’t gone. i wanted to tell someone if not a therapist then here because i’m not going to let my friends know obviously but i wanted to get it off my chest and hope for any kind of support from someone that has exp what i have. if anyone has had trauma transition into something that gets you off how do you cope with this? do you just accept it? force it away? does the shame go away? should i just ignore it? any advice in the comments would be appreciated

i think it’s maybe what’s blocking me from getting a true O when i masturbate, maybe it’s a mental block. i feel abnormal and ashamed really. i know ppl say these things do happen to ppl sometimes trauma can warp in different ways but it still doesn’t feel any less bad. i feel like a freak sometimes. i know the best way to get over trauma is through therapy. i’ve been trying but because my insurance doesn’t cover mental health therapy i haven’t gone. i wanted to tell someone if not a therapist then here because i’m not going to let my friends know obviously but i wanted to get it off my chest and hope for any kind of support from someone that has exp what i have. if anyone has had trauma transition into something that gets you off how do you cope with this? do you just accept it? force it away? does the shame go away? should i just ignore it? any advice in the comments would be appreciated