Unemployable? /u/descent-into-cto CSCQ protests reddit

This past year, I have had two software engineering jobs and have been fired from both. I am currently unemployed and not bothering to look for a job (for now, at least). Before this, I had been a software engineer (and occasionally a CTO) for over 20 years.

I have a wife and two kids to support. I need a paycheck. Ideally, in the next few months.

I taught myself to program as a child. I got a degree in Computer Engineering. I had always loved programming. But, when I got my first job I discovered that I did not love programming nearly as much when I was being paid to do it. Sometimes it was good (or at least, good enough). Sometimes I did well. But, eventually I would get bored, then feel like a worthless failure, because my work wasn’t exciting. I would get (often severely) depressed. My work would suffer. I would get bad reviews. Or sometimes I would think I was doing well, but I would get a bad (or not entirely positive) review and that would trigger the depression — making it harder to work.

Over the years, the general theme of the feedback in my reviews has been: high quality, low quantity, lacking a sense of urgency. Although, these past two times I was fired, the reason given was more or less that I wasn’t engaged or learning what I needed to about the product/architecture — ie I was indifferent, bored and depressed.

Sometimes I think my managers perceive my depression as a lack of urgency. After all, when you want to die, it’s hard to act as if anything matters.

I first remember becoming suicidally depressed at 17. It’s been a lot of ups and downs since then. My mood swings are frequent and sometimes extreme. So, if I had a couple bad days, they would usually be followed by one or more good days. I would try to use good days to make up for bad days. Sometimes there are a lot of bad days in a row though.

I’ve been on psych meds in 2013. I’ve started a couple new ones though. I’m also in the middle of a two-week program of four hours of group therapy a days. I’m trying harder then ever to get better. I don’t really believe I every will. I feel defeated and hopeless.

But, even if I do: How can I recover from being fired twice in a year? Is it hopeless?

thanks

This past year, I have had two software engineering jobs and have been fired from both. I am currently unemployed and not bothering to look for a job (for now, at least). Before this, I had been a software engineer (and occasionally a CTO) for over 20 years.

I have a wife and two kids to support. I need a paycheck. Ideally, in the next few months.

I taught myself to program as a child. I got a degree in Computer Engineering. I had always loved programming. But, when I got my first job I discovered that I did not love programming nearly as much when I was being paid to do it. Sometimes it was good (or at least, good enough). Sometimes I did well. But, eventually I would get bored, then feel like a worthless failure, because my work wasn’t exciting. I would get (often severely) depressed. My work would suffer. I would get bad reviews. Or sometimes I would think I was doing well, but I would get a bad (or not entirely positive) review and that would trigger the depression — making it harder to work.

Over the years, the general theme of the feedback in my reviews has been: high quality, low quantity, lacking a sense of urgency. Although, these past two times I was fired, the reason given was more or less that I wasn’t engaged or learning what I needed to about the product/architecture — ie I was indifferent, bored and depressed.

Sometimes I think my managers perceive my depression as a lack of urgency. After all, when you want to die, it’s hard to act as if anything matters.

I first remember becoming suicidally depressed at 17. It’s been a lot of ups and downs since then. My mood swings are frequent and sometimes extreme. So, if I had a couple bad days, they would usually be followed by one or more good days. I would try to use good days to make up for bad days. Sometimes there are a lot of bad days in a row though.

I’ve been on psych meds in 2013. I’ve started a couple new ones though. I’m also in the middle of a two-week program of four hours of group therapy a days. I’m trying harder then ever to get better. I don’t really believe I every will. I feel defeated and hopeless.

But, even if I do: How can I recover from being fired twice in a year? Is it hopeless?

thanks