Tried gay sex, now filled with regret and paranoia. /u/spranalucero Sex

34, married with kids. I have always fantasized about being with another man. I fought it for a very long time. I was abused as a kid by a neighbour and I thought that what I went through permanently made me gay or something. The thing is, I have no attraction to men – just the sex.

So, though therapy, I finally came to grips with my abuse. The curiosity was still there so I thought I was in a strong enough mindset to try it out.

I found an older guy on Grindr who offered erotic massage. I went over to his place yesterday. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. He gave me a blowjob, I tried giving him one and in the end he finished me off with a handjob. I left feeling that I understand how all that could be incredibly enjoyable, but it just wasn’t for me. I actually left in a good headspace, finally working out my inner turmoil around my curiosity and abuse. I can now separate the abuse from the sex, because I have had the sex consensually.

Here’s the problem. I am totally paranoid about being found out. I am filled with regret that I did this behind the backs of my wife and children. If they ever found out I would be devastated, utterly broken.

The only way anyone would find out is if I randomly ran into the guy and he outed me. I know the chances of that are small but it’s scaring the shit out of me. I knew this going in and thought the changes were so remote that I didn’t have to worry about it but now I’m freaking out.

I need to put this past me before it turns from a beneficial experience into a shamefull, depressive memory.

Can anyone relate?

34, married with kids. I have always fantasized about being with another man. I fought it for a very long time. I was abused as a kid by a neighbour and I thought that what I went through permanently made me gay or something. The thing is, I have no attraction to men – just the sex.

So, though therapy, I finally came to grips with my abuse. The curiosity was still there so I thought I was in a strong enough mindset to try it out.

I found an older guy on Grindr who offered erotic massage. I went over to his place yesterday. It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good either. He gave me a blowjob, I tried giving him one and in the end he finished me off with a handjob. I left feeling that I understand how all that could be incredibly enjoyable, but it just wasn’t for me. I actually left in a good headspace, finally working out my inner turmoil around my curiosity and abuse. I can now separate the abuse from the sex, because I have had the sex consensually.

Here’s the problem. I am totally paranoid about being found out. I am filled with regret that I did this behind the backs of my wife and children. If they ever found out I would be devastated, utterly broken.

The only way anyone would find out is if I randomly ran into the guy and he outed me. I know the chances of that are small but it’s scaring the shit out of me. I knew this going in and thought the changes were so remote that I didn’t have to worry about it but now I’m freaking out.

I need to put this past me before it turns from a beneficial experience into a shamefull, depressive memory.

Can anyone relate?