How do I get past this? /u/youwontknowaboutit Sex

Me and my situationship have great sex and we are very open about our preferences. A while ago we had a casual talk about pornography, like what genres we liked, what was a turn off etc. We never talked about watching it together.

This weekend, we met at his place. As usual, we had sex, but this time was different. Usually when i come to his place, he greets me with a long hug and a kiss, and then we cuddle on the couch and talk about our day, while we watch a movie. This usually leads to sex. However, this time, he didn’t even say hi when i arrived. In fact, he stayed in his bedroom, where he was watching porn and jerking off. I was really surprised and didn’t really know how to react, so i went in there and kissed him (akwardly). Then he pushed my head down to do oral, while he watched porn on his laptop. I felt so humiliated and schocked, almost like i just froze in the situation and therefore went along with it. Then it got to actual penetration, still with porn on the laptop. He kept finding new clips. I wanted to tell him stop, but I was couldn’t form a sentence. Finally, I pulled away and told him i couldn’t do this. I said I felt like a human fleshlight and that it was humiliating. He held me, told me he was sorry, that it wasn’t his intention to make me feel like that and that he thought I would like it. He then told me that he only looked at me and that I had his full focus. I said that it was difficult to know, since i was placed in positions, where i couldn’t see his face. He then further assured me that he was looking at me the whole time. I could tell that he was sorry, the laptop was closed, we cuddled, watched a movie and then later had “regular” sex.

However, i can’t seem to shake the experience off of me. It really caught me off guard and because i felt so degraded in the moment, i feel dirty and disgusting now. It lingers to me. I used to enjoy watching porn by myself, but now it makes me sick. I also feel at fault because i didn’t stop him right away, but i froze completely. I guess the experience triggered some old trauma from sexual abuse.

I really want to be open minded, because i know many people use porn to spice up things. And I totally understand that. But god, i wish he would’ve asked me first, so that i atleast could’ve been prepared.

How do i get past this feeling of disgust?

Me and my situationship have great sex and we are very open about our preferences. A while ago we had a casual talk about pornography, like what genres we liked, what was a turn off etc. We never talked about watching it together.

This weekend, we met at his place. As usual, we had sex, but this time was different. Usually when i come to his place, he greets me with a long hug and a kiss, and then we cuddle on the couch and talk about our day, while we watch a movie. This usually leads to sex. However, this time, he didn’t even say hi when i arrived. In fact, he stayed in his bedroom, where he was watching porn and jerking off. I was really surprised and didn’t really know how to react, so i went in there and kissed him (akwardly). Then he pushed my head down to do oral, while he watched porn on his laptop. I felt so humiliated and schocked, almost like i just froze in the situation and therefore went along with it. Then it got to actual penetration, still with porn on the laptop. He kept finding new clips. I wanted to tell him stop, but I was couldn’t form a sentence. Finally, I pulled away and told him i couldn’t do this. I said I felt like a human fleshlight and that it was humiliating. He held me, told me he was sorry, that it wasn’t his intention to make me feel like that and that he thought I would like it. He then told me that he only looked at me and that I had his full focus. I said that it was difficult to know, since i was placed in positions, where i couldn’t see his face. He then further assured me that he was looking at me the whole time. I could tell that he was sorry, the laptop was closed, we cuddled, watched a movie and then later had “regular” sex.

However, i can’t seem to shake the experience off of me. It really caught me off guard and because i felt so degraded in the moment, i feel dirty and disgusting now. It lingers to me. I used to enjoy watching porn by myself, but now it makes me sick. I also feel at fault because i didn’t stop him right away, but i froze completely. I guess the experience triggered some old trauma from sexual abuse.

I really want to be open minded, because i know many people use porn to spice up things. And I totally understand that. But god, i wish he would’ve asked me first, so that i atleast could’ve been prepared.

How do i get past this feeling of disgust?