I’m asexual and I don’t want to be, I need advice /u/Sufficient-Pie8159 Sex

Throwaway for obvious reasons. I am a cisgender lesbian. I don’t know what to do and feel incredibly lost. I’ve struggled with this for my entire life, but I’ve always just been putting off thinking about it because I assumed that it would eventually just “come to me” and I’d “grow into it.” But I’ve waited two decades and that hasn’t happened.

I’m asexual and I don’t want to be.

I’ve tried so hard, I really really have. I’ve tried over and over again to look at porn, but every time I do I don’t even make it past the thumbnails of the videos without being repulsed and having to click away. It almost feels like I’ve been violated when I do look at it. The sight of a vagina just disgusts me, and I don’t understand how everyone else in the world loves it so much. I can’t even watch sex scenes in movies without getting grossed out. I feel like I was born broken because of this. Why am I different from everybody else? Why can’t I just be normal and like sex like everybody else?

I’ve never masturbated, either. I tried once recently but I just couldn’t go farther than rubbing myself on the outside. I wouldn’t even know how to actually do it if I tried, either.

I’ve gotten butterflies in my stomach when looking at girls doing “sexy” things before, but I feel like mostly that’s just crush butterflies. The only times I’ve ever been “turned on” in my whole life are from this horrible stupid kink that I think I accidentally developed. I read a lot of fanfiction anyway (I can’t read sexual ones), but sometimes I find myself reading one very specific kink and I get a girl-boner despite being disgusted in my mind, and the most “horny” I’ve ever gotten was when I was younger and I innocently watched videos of this stuff not knowing what it would do to me and my down there started pulsing so hard it was painful. Nothing else has ever done anything like this to me before.

I’ve heard that some women are only able to feel sexually aroused when they have a deep romantic connection with their partner. Could this just be a very extreme form of that?

I really want to be able to please my future girlfriend (I’ve never had one of those before either), and its one of my biggest fears that I meet the perfect girl and then she leaves me because I can’t give her what she wants.

I am crying as I write this, because this is very distressing to me. I know that there is no childhood trauma or anything repressed that is causing this, as nothing has happened to me like that before. I know that there is no possibility that I actually am straight, I am only attracted to women.

Any advice at all would be appreciated, I need all the help I can get. Thank you.

TLDR: I need some advice on how to stop being asexual. I’m 20, if I was meant to have sex should I have been masturbating naturally by now? Should I have gotten horny by now? I can’t make myself horny no matter how hard I try.

Edit: The kink is mind control, but in my conscious mind this feels way too close to rape and I do not know why I am turned on by it. I used to be incredibly comfortable in my asexuality, and was even glad that I wasn’t “trapped” by uncontrollable urges, but now that I’ve started dating I feel very different. I should also maybe note that I am autistic.

Throwaway for obvious reasons. I am a cisgender lesbian. I don’t know what to do and feel incredibly lost. I’ve struggled with this for my entire life, but I’ve always just been putting off thinking about it because I assumed that it would eventually just “come to me” and I’d “grow into it.” But I’ve waited two decades and that hasn’t happened.

I’m asexual and I don’t want to be.

I’ve tried so hard, I really really have. I’ve tried over and over again to look at porn, but every time I do I don’t even make it past the thumbnails of the videos without being repulsed and having to click away. It almost feels like I’ve been violated when I do look at it. The sight of a vagina just disgusts me, and I don’t understand how everyone else in the world loves it so much. I can’t even watch sex scenes in movies without getting grossed out. I feel like I was born broken because of this. Why am I different from everybody else? Why can’t I just be normal and like sex like everybody else?

I’ve never masturbated, either. I tried once recently but I just couldn’t go farther than rubbing myself on the outside. I wouldn’t even know how to actually do it if I tried, either.

I’ve gotten butterflies in my stomach when looking at girls doing “sexy” things before, but I feel like mostly that’s just crush butterflies. The only times I’ve ever been “turned on” in my whole life are from this horrible stupid kink that I think I accidentally developed. I read a lot of fanfiction anyway (I can’t read sexual ones), but sometimes I find myself reading one very specific kink and I get a girl-boner despite being disgusted in my mind, and the most “horny” I’ve ever gotten was when I was younger and I innocently watched videos of this stuff not knowing what it would do to me and my down there started pulsing so hard it was painful. Nothing else has ever done anything like this to me before.

I’ve heard that some women are only able to feel sexually aroused when they have a deep romantic connection with their partner. Could this just be a very extreme form of that?

I really want to be able to please my future girlfriend (I’ve never had one of those before either), and its one of my biggest fears that I meet the perfect girl and then she leaves me because I can’t give her what she wants.

I am crying as I write this, because this is very distressing to me. I know that there is no childhood trauma or anything repressed that is causing this, as nothing has happened to me like that before. I know that there is no possibility that I actually am straight, I am only attracted to women.

Any advice at all would be appreciated, I need all the help I can get. Thank you.

TLDR: I need some advice on how to stop being asexual. I’m 20, if I was meant to have sex should I have been masturbating naturally by now? Should I have gotten horny by now? I can’t make myself horny no matter how hard I try.

Edit: The kink is mind control, but in my conscious mind this feels way too close to rape and I do not know why I am turned on by it. I used to be incredibly comfortable in my asexuality, and was even glad that I wasn’t “trapped” by uncontrollable urges, but now that I’ve started dating I feel very different. I should also maybe note that I am autistic.