Apologies if this is long. I just can’t wrap my head around it and I don’t have anyone else to talk to. Been with my wife for quite a while. Sex has always been a point of contention (classic high libido husband/low libido wife situation, wife has some mental health issues that affect her deeply sometimes, birth control, etc). We’ve been to couple’s counselling, as well as my own individual therapy. I’ve put in the work, suffice to say.
I never pestered her (asked maybe once a week). I take care of her, make all the dinners, I’m the only one working full time, helped her get into intensive therapy, we go on dates, etc. I’m not trying to frame this as “I’ve done all this so I should get sex”, but I’ve seen other threads where men have asked for advice and the immediate responses are “you don’t do enough”. Frankly, I really can’t do anything more.
After years and years of really trying, and being the only one to initiate, or the only one to show any genuine desire, I essentially gave up. It became clear that our sex life wasn’t going to be what I wanted, and I got fed up of being the only one not only to initiate sex, but initiate conversations surrounding sex. I’m happy with other aspects of our relationship, so while I’m not exactly thrilled to be wholly unfuckable at the ripe age of 33, I don’t see much sense in dwelling on it.
Recently though, I think my wife took notice of my lack of initiating and asked what was up. I didn’t lie, and told her it didn’t seem worth pursuing anymore. I reminded her that in the last six months, she accepted sex all of three times. I said it’s clear she has other priorities in life and our relationship, and that it wasn’t really healthy for me to try getting blood from a stone.
She started sulking and complained about how that wasn’t fair of me, how she has this and that problem, how she’s working on this and that. I acknowledged all that, but I said ultimately, it leaves me in a constant state of rejection, and I’d rather go through life knowing I’m not going to have sex anymore than take the constant emotional damage that comes with her physically reeling away when I touch her.
She immediately said I was being unfair, and started bringing up things we’ve hashed out in therapy. We got into a bit of an argument, and I asked her to name the last time she approached me for sex, which I reminded her was only because she was off her birth control due to supply issues (which is…an entirely separate issue. I’ve offered numerous times to get a vasectomy or to help her change to and pay for a non-hormonal birth control but she takes it to stop her period and help her skin, ‘not for sex’ as she put it, so it’s ‘not worth changing or stopping’).
I ended up walking away from the conversation, but I can’t make sense of it. Why would my wife – who shows no sexual interest unless off her birth control, barely engages in physical intimacy without pulling away, and declines every sexual advance I make – find it “unfair” that I’ve more or less stopped bothering? Wouldn’t this be exactly what she wanted?
I searched around the subreddit; there was some helpful advice but not specific to my situation, so hoping to get more perspective from low libido partners who might help me understand it from her perspective.
submitted by /u/stuckcuzofwife
[link] [comments]
r/sex Apologies if this is long. I just can’t wrap my head around it and I don’t have anyone else to talk to. Been with my wife for quite a while. Sex has always been a point of contention (classic high libido husband/low libido wife situation, wife has some mental health issues that affect her deeply sometimes, birth control, etc). We’ve been to couple’s counselling, as well as my own individual therapy. I’ve put in the work, suffice to say. I never pestered her (asked maybe once a week). I take care of her, make all the dinners, I’m the only one working full time, helped her get into intensive therapy, we go on dates, etc. I’m not trying to frame this as “I’ve done all this so I should get sex”, but I’ve seen other threads where men have asked for advice and the immediate responses are “you don’t do enough”. Frankly, I really can’t do anything more. After years and years of really trying, and being the only one to initiate, or the only one to show any genuine desire, I essentially gave up. It became clear that our sex life wasn’t going to be what I wanted, and I got fed up of being the only one not only to initiate sex, but initiate conversations surrounding sex. I’m happy with other aspects of our relationship, so while I’m not exactly thrilled to be wholly unfuckable at the ripe age of 33, I don’t see much sense in dwelling on it. Recently though, I think my wife took notice of my lack of initiating and asked what was up. I didn’t lie, and told her it didn’t seem worth pursuing anymore. I reminded her that in the last six months, she accepted sex all of three times. I said it’s clear she has other priorities in life and our relationship, and that it wasn’t really healthy for me to try getting blood from a stone. She started sulking and complained about how that wasn’t fair of me, how she has this and that problem, how she’s working on this and that. I acknowledged all that, but I said ultimately, it leaves me in a constant state of rejection, and I’d rather go through life knowing I’m not going to have sex anymore than take the constant emotional damage that comes with her physically reeling away when I touch her. She immediately said I was being unfair, and started bringing up things we’ve hashed out in therapy. We got into a bit of an argument, and I asked her to name the last time she approached me for sex, which I reminded her was only because she was off her birth control due to supply issues (which is…an entirely separate issue. I’ve offered numerous times to get a vasectomy or to help her change to and pay for a non-hormonal birth control but she takes it to stop her period and help her skin, ‘not for sex’ as she put it, so it’s ‘not worth changing or stopping’). I ended up walking away from the conversation, but I can’t make sense of it. Why would my wife – who shows no sexual interest unless off her birth control, barely engages in physical intimacy without pulling away, and declines every sexual advance I make – find it “unfair” that I’ve more or less stopped bothering? Wouldn’t this be exactly what she wanted? I searched around the subreddit; there was some helpful advice but not specific to my situation, so hoping to get more perspective from low libido partners who might help me understand it from her perspective. submitted by /u/stuckcuzofwife [link] [comments]
Apologies if this is long. I just can’t wrap my head around it and I don’t have anyone else to talk to. Been with my wife for quite a while. Sex has always been a point of contention (classic high libido husband/low libido wife situation, wife has some mental health issues that affect her deeply sometimes, birth control, etc). We’ve been to couple’s counselling, as well as my own individual therapy. I’ve put in the work, suffice to say.
I never pestered her (asked maybe once a week). I take care of her, make all the dinners, I’m the only one working full time, helped her get into intensive therapy, we go on dates, etc. I’m not trying to frame this as “I’ve done all this so I should get sex”, but I’ve seen other threads where men have asked for advice and the immediate responses are “you don’t do enough”. Frankly, I really can’t do anything more.
After years and years of really trying, and being the only one to initiate, or the only one to show any genuine desire, I essentially gave up. It became clear that our sex life wasn’t going to be what I wanted, and I got fed up of being the only one not only to initiate sex, but initiate conversations surrounding sex. I’m happy with other aspects of our relationship, so while I’m not exactly thrilled to be wholly unfuckable at the ripe age of 33, I don’t see much sense in dwelling on it.
Recently though, I think my wife took notice of my lack of initiating and asked what was up. I didn’t lie, and told her it didn’t seem worth pursuing anymore. I reminded her that in the last six months, she accepted sex all of three times. I said it’s clear she has other priorities in life and our relationship, and that it wasn’t really healthy for me to try getting blood from a stone.
She started sulking and complained about how that wasn’t fair of me, how she has this and that problem, how she’s working on this and that. I acknowledged all that, but I said ultimately, it leaves me in a constant state of rejection, and I’d rather go through life knowing I’m not going to have sex anymore than take the constant emotional damage that comes with her physically reeling away when I touch her.
She immediately said I was being unfair, and started bringing up things we’ve hashed out in therapy. We got into a bit of an argument, and I asked her to name the last time she approached me for sex, which I reminded her was only because she was off her birth control due to supply issues (which is…an entirely separate issue. I’ve offered numerous times to get a vasectomy or to help her change to and pay for a non-hormonal birth control but she takes it to stop her period and help her skin, ‘not for sex’ as she put it, so it’s ‘not worth changing or stopping’).
I ended up walking away from the conversation, but I can’t make sense of it. Why would my wife – who shows no sexual interest unless off her birth control, barely engages in physical intimacy without pulling away, and declines every sexual advance I make – find it “unfair” that I’ve more or less stopped bothering? Wouldn’t this be exactly what she wanted?
I searched around the subreddit; there was some helpful advice but not specific to my situation, so hoping to get more perspective from low libido partners who might help me understand it from her perspective.
submitted by /u/stuckcuzofwife
[link] [comments]