I (23F) feel guilty when having sex because I’m still living with my parents /u/throwaway20237258 Sex

Throwaway account as I do not want this to be associated to my main.

I recently met up with my long distance partner (M) whom I’ve been in a relationship with for 3 years in last December. Since we had already met up a couple of times prior and our relationship is serious (engaged, wedding plans soon), we planned to have sex. This is something I had been craving since the very beginning of our relationship and so had he as we were both virgins.

We booked a staycation getaway but however when the time came to actually have sex, it was like my body was rejecting his. Some sort of vaginismus I suppose (I also eventually found out I was having a bad reaction to the lube we were using). Thinking back to it, I realized my mental state was also very confused – I have grown up with my parents constantly telling me that sex is forbidden, it is wrong, and finally when it was happening I couldn’t get out of my head. I was aroused mentally but my body wouldn’t cooperate and sometimes when we were doing foreplay and he was pleasuring me I just felt like “Should I be here? Is this right? My parents wouldn’t be okay with this! They’re gonna ridicule me. This feels good but do I deserve this? Can I even be doing this?” – although they had consented to us having a staycation for the two of us, most likely clearly knowing it would lead up to this.

My partner is gone now and we’re back on long distance so I want to use this time to understand what is wrong with me. I truly want to enjoy sex but some part of me feels like I should not be doing it and that it is wrong just because I still live with my parents who taught me that sex = nono.

Any help?

EDIT to add: I do masturbate and try to figure out what pleases me but I always feel guilty after because of religious reasons…

Throwaway account as I do not want this to be associated to my main.

I recently met up with my long distance partner (M) whom I’ve been in a relationship with for 3 years in last December. Since we had already met up a couple of times prior and our relationship is serious (engaged, wedding plans soon), we planned to have sex. This is something I had been craving since the very beginning of our relationship and so had he as we were both virgins.

We booked a staycation getaway but however when the time came to actually have sex, it was like my body was rejecting his. Some sort of vaginismus I suppose (I also eventually found out I was having a bad reaction to the lube we were using). Thinking back to it, I realized my mental state was also very confused – I have grown up with my parents constantly telling me that sex is forbidden, it is wrong, and finally when it was happening I couldn’t get out of my head. I was aroused mentally but my body wouldn’t cooperate and sometimes when we were doing foreplay and he was pleasuring me I just felt like “Should I be here? Is this right? My parents wouldn’t be okay with this! They’re gonna ridicule me. This feels good but do I deserve this? Can I even be doing this?” – although they had consented to us having a staycation for the two of us, most likely clearly knowing it would lead up to this.

My partner is gone now and we’re back on long distance so I want to use this time to understand what is wrong with me. I truly want to enjoy sex but some part of me feels like I should not be doing it and that it is wrong just because I still live with my parents who taught me that sex = nono.

Any help?

EDIT to add: I do masturbate and try to figure out what pleases me but I always feel guilty after because of religious reasons…