I am uncomfortable with being open sexually and “letting loose” after marriage /u/overtsandwichking Sex

I am posting this on behalf of my wife.

I am in my mid 20s(F) and have been married for three years and am pregnant with my second kid. I was raised in a religious household and I am to this day Christian. My husband was not any sort of religion while we were dating but was very respectful of my choice to not have sex and soon after we got married converted himself. I was raised in a sexually conservative home and while I am glad my parents raised me to practice chastity I have been having issues with sex in my marriage and one of the only things I can think of is the messages I received growing up. Basically I was given a three minute talk when I hit puberty with a one sentence description of how to get pregnant and that now I could get pregnant if I did that. I was then sent to a lot of chastity talks where they would really drive home the message that men only want one thing and women have to be careful but that sex was great after you get married. I just kind of assumed that sex would just happen after I got married and it would be perfect. It took me a long time to go on a date because I was so worried about all men being creepy. There was a lot of talk about not dressing immodestly and while I do dress modestly for my state in life, I still get anxiety wearing something that is form fitting (but something a Christian mom friend would wear no problem) because I would be told by mom when I left the house that my dad found xyz normal piece of clothing inappropriate and I had to change or wear something over it because I didn’t understand how men’s brains worked. In that particular instance I was wearing workout pants to a very intense workout class and brought something more appropriate for every day to change into after the workout. My dad is the type to skip over a fully clothed kissing scene between a married couple in a movie with his teen/adult children, continues to do it even when watching movies with us now, and act super shocked and scandalized just to give you an idea of the atmosphere.

My husband and I have sex fairly frequently (probably 2-4 times a week, less in early pregnancy/postpartum, more when babies aren’t so demanding). I enjoy it but I still feel guilty pretty frequently afterwards unless I’ve felt like I’ve done it for him. I assumed that sex was something primarily done because men wanted to and while women would enjoy it it was more for the guy. I didn’t know a lot of basic things about my own anatomy or how sex worked beyond a very very basic what goes where and I’ve since learned more obviously but it’s very hard for me to say sex related words out loud to my husband because I feel kind of gross about it. It’s really affected our marriage lately because my husband is a good guy who doesn’t want one sided duty sex and while I understand that I don’t really know what to do. I kind of assumed that’s what married sex was like, or at least that is a more virtuous way to experience it if that makes sense.

I do struggle with anxiety apart from all this so that and pregnancy/pp hormones I’m sure play a role. But it’s been a consistent part of my marriage even when in therapy for anxiety or not pregnant/pp so I think it’s time I addressed this.

Ultimately my goal is to more open about sex, kinks, and all that with my husband as well as be able to “let go” and enjoy sex and engaging in sexual kinks that we both enjoy. I also want to be more “present” during sex. In fact, as it is I can’t even think about my own likes and kinks, let alone talk about them, find them, or express them with my husband.

Ideally, I would be able to be more sexual with my husband, express and even find my desires, and have a more exciting and satisfying sex life

Wow this was long. But if any women have struggled with this I could use some advice. I want to make it clear that I have no qualms about the role religion plays in my sexual life and that my complaints revolve around the overly conservative upbringing that didn’t prepare me for sex after marriage. That is to say that I don’t believe advice involving masturbation or anything non-monogamous is possible.

I am posting this on behalf of my wife.

I am in my mid 20s(F) and have been married for three years and am pregnant with my second kid. I was raised in a religious household and I am to this day Christian. My husband was not any sort of religion while we were dating but was very respectful of my choice to not have sex and soon after we got married converted himself. I was raised in a sexually conservative home and while I am glad my parents raised me to practice chastity I have been having issues with sex in my marriage and one of the only things I can think of is the messages I received growing up. Basically I was given a three minute talk when I hit puberty with a one sentence description of how to get pregnant and that now I could get pregnant if I did that. I was then sent to a lot of chastity talks where they would really drive home the message that men only want one thing and women have to be careful but that sex was great after you get married. I just kind of assumed that sex would just happen after I got married and it would be perfect. It took me a long time to go on a date because I was so worried about all men being creepy. There was a lot of talk about not dressing immodestly and while I do dress modestly for my state in life, I still get anxiety wearing something that is form fitting (but something a Christian mom friend would wear no problem) because I would be told by mom when I left the house that my dad found xyz normal piece of clothing inappropriate and I had to change or wear something over it because I didn’t understand how men’s brains worked. In that particular instance I was wearing workout pants to a very intense workout class and brought something more appropriate for every day to change into after the workout. My dad is the type to skip over a fully clothed kissing scene between a married couple in a movie with his teen/adult children, continues to do it even when watching movies with us now, and act super shocked and scandalized just to give you an idea of the atmosphere.

My husband and I have sex fairly frequently (probably 2-4 times a week, less in early pregnancy/postpartum, more when babies aren’t so demanding). I enjoy it but I still feel guilty pretty frequently afterwards unless I’ve felt like I’ve done it for him. I assumed that sex was something primarily done because men wanted to and while women would enjoy it it was more for the guy. I didn’t know a lot of basic things about my own anatomy or how sex worked beyond a very very basic what goes where and I’ve since learned more obviously but it’s very hard for me to say sex related words out loud to my husband because I feel kind of gross about it. It’s really affected our marriage lately because my husband is a good guy who doesn’t want one sided duty sex and while I understand that I don’t really know what to do. I kind of assumed that’s what married sex was like, or at least that is a more virtuous way to experience it if that makes sense.

I do struggle with anxiety apart from all this so that and pregnancy/pp hormones I’m sure play a role. But it’s been a consistent part of my marriage even when in therapy for anxiety or not pregnant/pp so I think it’s time I addressed this.

Ultimately my goal is to more open about sex, kinks, and all that with my husband as well as be able to “let go” and enjoy sex and engaging in sexual kinks that we both enjoy. I also want to be more “present” during sex. In fact, as it is I can’t even think about my own likes and kinks, let alone talk about them, find them, or express them with my husband.

Ideally, I would be able to be more sexual with my husband, express and even find my desires, and have a more exciting and satisfying sex life

Wow this was long. But if any women have struggled with this I could use some advice. I want to make it clear that I have no qualms about the role religion plays in my sexual life and that my complaints revolve around the overly conservative upbringing that didn’t prepare me for sex after marriage. That is to say that I don’t believe advice involving masturbation or anything non-monogamous is possible.