Hi all,
My gf(30) has lower libido and responsive desire, whereas I(30) have higher libido and spontaneous desire. I basically take care of everything sexual in our relationship. Frequency is difficult to compromise on but we (I) can manage. The thing that bothers me is the difference in arousal levels. Too often I wait a little bit longer than I’d like to, just to have mediocre sex because she isn’t that horny (from my perspective). I’m a pleaser and the major part of sexual satisfaction for me comes from pleasing her as best as I can. That is sadly directly diminished by her often being passive and apathic about the wole thing. I also don’t get the passion and lust that I give her in return which makes me feel bad about myself and frustrated because the sex is simply lacklustre. It feels very one-sided. I know it can be better because we’ve had really good sex when she was more horny. She takes more initiative, is more open for things (like giving her oral) and just more enthousiastic about it. It’s much better for both parties. I haven’t been able to pinpoint what exactly made her more horny those times except for obvious reasons like weed, alcohol and such. What irritates me is that she doesn’t seem to make any effort to get herself into the mood. She wants to plan sex beforehand and will simply ask if we should go upstairs when she is ready. She doesn’t like making out beforehand or sexually teasing each other. That means we start sex without any buildup, there is just no tension.
We’ve talked about it. I asked her how I can set a better mood and what I can do to turn her on more. Sadly she won’t give me much useful insight. According to her, she is very attracted to me, I do everything right during sex (can’t imagine that being true lol) and she has no pointers on what I can add/improve. She doesn’t watch porn or masturbate in general so that’s no help either. I tried to suggest some things that might improve the situation like dirty talk, foreplay before going to the bedroom, teasing, edging, lingerie, being more dominant/submissive etc. but she says she doesn’t want those things. I suspect she would actually end up liking a lot of those things if she would be more open to trying things but I won’t pressure her of course. If it were up to her we would be having the most boring routine sex everytime, where I just get her off as quickly as possible with a clit sucking device and finish with short PIV. We did that for a while but it was way too boring and not acceptable to me.
Talking about it is not easy. She gets defensive because, no matter how nicely I put it, I’m basically telling her that she is not doing things right. Her responsive desire makes it so that she almost never thinks about sex so I’m the instigator every time we talk about it. It makes me feel like I pressure her even though I’m just trying to keep/make sex as pleasurable as possible for the both of us. She has trouble communicating her needs in general and will just keep them to herself usually but I’m starting to wonder if she has any sexual preferences at all. She knows she can ask me for anything and I will take care of it. Her description of what she feels when she orgasms honestly makes me jealous. I just can’t fathom not wanting to explore that further with a partner like me (sorry for the humblebrag).
It’s really difficult to deal with because we are basically soulmates outside of this. Any advice?
submitted by /u/dingenzo
[link] [comments]
r/sex Hi all, My gf(30) has lower libido and responsive desire, whereas I(30) have higher libido and spontaneous desire. I basically take care of everything sexual in our relationship. Frequency is difficult to compromise on but we (I) can manage. The thing that bothers me is the difference in arousal levels. Too often I wait a little bit longer than I’d like to, just to have mediocre sex because she isn’t that horny (from my perspective). I’m a pleaser and the major part of sexual satisfaction for me comes from pleasing her as best as I can. That is sadly directly diminished by her often being passive and apathic about the wole thing. I also don’t get the passion and lust that I give her in return which makes me feel bad about myself and frustrated because the sex is simply lacklustre. It feels very one-sided. I know it can be better because we’ve had really good sex when she was more horny. She takes more initiative, is more open for things (like giving her oral) and just more enthousiastic about it. It’s much better for both parties. I haven’t been able to pinpoint what exactly made her more horny those times except for obvious reasons like weed, alcohol and such. What irritates me is that she doesn’t seem to make any effort to get herself into the mood. She wants to plan sex beforehand and will simply ask if we should go upstairs when she is ready. She doesn’t like making out beforehand or sexually teasing each other. That means we start sex without any buildup, there is just no tension. We’ve talked about it. I asked her how I can set a better mood and what I can do to turn her on more. Sadly she won’t give me much useful insight. According to her, she is very attracted to me, I do everything right during sex (can’t imagine that being true lol) and she has no pointers on what I can add/improve. She doesn’t watch porn or masturbate in general so that’s no help either. I tried to suggest some things that might improve the situation like dirty talk, foreplay before going to the bedroom, teasing, edging, lingerie, being more dominant/submissive etc. but she says she doesn’t want those things. I suspect she would actually end up liking a lot of those things if she would be more open to trying things but I won’t pressure her of course. If it were up to her we would be having the most boring routine sex everytime, where I just get her off as quickly as possible with a clit sucking device and finish with short PIV. We did that for a while but it was way too boring and not acceptable to me. Talking about it is not easy. She gets defensive because, no matter how nicely I put it, I’m basically telling her that she is not doing things right. Her responsive desire makes it so that she almost never thinks about sex so I’m the instigator every time we talk about it. It makes me feel like I pressure her even though I’m just trying to keep/make sex as pleasurable as possible for the both of us. She has trouble communicating her needs in general and will just keep them to herself usually but I’m starting to wonder if she has any sexual preferences at all. She knows she can ask me for anything and I will take care of it. Her description of what she feels when she orgasms honestly makes me jealous. I just can’t fathom not wanting to explore that further with a partner like me (sorry for the humblebrag). It’s really difficult to deal with because we are basically soulmates outside of this. Any advice? submitted by /u/dingenzo [link] [comments]
Hi all,
My gf(30) has lower libido and responsive desire, whereas I(30) have higher libido and spontaneous desire. I basically take care of everything sexual in our relationship. Frequency is difficult to compromise on but we (I) can manage. The thing that bothers me is the difference in arousal levels. Too often I wait a little bit longer than I’d like to, just to have mediocre sex because she isn’t that horny (from my perspective). I’m a pleaser and the major part of sexual satisfaction for me comes from pleasing her as best as I can. That is sadly directly diminished by her often being passive and apathic about the wole thing. I also don’t get the passion and lust that I give her in return which makes me feel bad about myself and frustrated because the sex is simply lacklustre. It feels very one-sided. I know it can be better because we’ve had really good sex when she was more horny. She takes more initiative, is more open for things (like giving her oral) and just more enthousiastic about it. It’s much better for both parties. I haven’t been able to pinpoint what exactly made her more horny those times except for obvious reasons like weed, alcohol and such. What irritates me is that she doesn’t seem to make any effort to get herself into the mood. She wants to plan sex beforehand and will simply ask if we should go upstairs when she is ready. She doesn’t like making out beforehand or sexually teasing each other. That means we start sex without any buildup, there is just no tension.
We’ve talked about it. I asked her how I can set a better mood and what I can do to turn her on more. Sadly she won’t give me much useful insight. According to her, she is very attracted to me, I do everything right during sex (can’t imagine that being true lol) and she has no pointers on what I can add/improve. She doesn’t watch porn or masturbate in general so that’s no help either. I tried to suggest some things that might improve the situation like dirty talk, foreplay before going to the bedroom, teasing, edging, lingerie, being more dominant/submissive etc. but she says she doesn’t want those things. I suspect she would actually end up liking a lot of those things if she would be more open to trying things but I won’t pressure her of course. If it were up to her we would be having the most boring routine sex everytime, where I just get her off as quickly as possible with a clit sucking device and finish with short PIV. We did that for a while but it was way too boring and not acceptable to me.
Talking about it is not easy. She gets defensive because, no matter how nicely I put it, I’m basically telling her that she is not doing things right. Her responsive desire makes it so that she almost never thinks about sex so I’m the instigator every time we talk about it. It makes me feel like I pressure her even though I’m just trying to keep/make sex as pleasurable as possible for the both of us. She has trouble communicating her needs in general and will just keep them to herself usually but I’m starting to wonder if she has any sexual preferences at all. She knows she can ask me for anything and I will take care of it. Her description of what she feels when she orgasms honestly makes me jealous. I just can’t fathom not wanting to explore that further with a partner like me (sorry for the humblebrag).
It’s really difficult to deal with because we are basically soulmates outside of this. Any advice?
submitted by /u/dingenzo
[link] [comments]