I feel weird about sex /u/Reasonable-Banana553 Sex

I (22F) am a virgin (by choice) and just recently got a boyfriend. I’m not a virgin due to religious stuff, I have just never been ready. I’m honestly scared about it. All my past relationships ended because either they didn’t want to wait or an insane amount of arguments due to “sexual frustration”. I finally found someone willing to wait. I honestly don’t know when/if I’ll be ready. I’m not on birth control so I am currently using it as an excuse but I’m looking to get on it and I can only use that excuse for so long. I think due to my childhood/how I was raised it is making me not even have a desire to have sex. My friends even laugh at me sometimes because I am like not able to say certain words sometimes unless I feel extremely comfortable (i.e instead of saying “he fingered me” I go on saying “you know when a guy has hands…” and they automatically know where I’m going with it and laugh) There are still intimate aspects of relationships that I have done/like doing so I know I am not asexual because I still get those kinds of feelings. A part of it too is I’m afraid it will hurt really bad because I am very small (5’1).

Honestly I just don’t really know what to do because I want to seem like the chill gf that’s down for everything but I’m just not. I constantly feel like I am lying to my boyfriend and I know it isn’t fair to him but everyone in my past has left so my subconscious is telling me he’ll leave too.

I guess I just need some advice on how to overcome this? Have any of you guys struggled with your first time? Or are on the same page as me? If any of you are comfortable sharing how was your first time? Was it 10/10? Or like a 0.000001/10? Does it get better? Is it just disappointing for women? For men? How bad does it hurt for women?

If the time comes for me soon what are some things that guys like? Call her daddy can only answer so many questions plus I feel like it is a tad unrealistic. For those real guys in the real world, what do you like and how do you like it?

I (22F) am a virgin (by choice) and just recently got a boyfriend. I’m not a virgin due to religious stuff, I have just never been ready. I’m honestly scared about it. All my past relationships ended because either they didn’t want to wait or an insane amount of arguments due to “sexual frustration”. I finally found someone willing to wait. I honestly don’t know when/if I’ll be ready. I’m not on birth control so I am currently using it as an excuse but I’m looking to get on it and I can only use that excuse for so long. I think due to my childhood/how I was raised it is making me not even have a desire to have sex. My friends even laugh at me sometimes because I am like not able to say certain words sometimes unless I feel extremely comfortable (i.e instead of saying “he fingered me” I go on saying “you know when a guy has hands…” and they automatically know where I’m going with it and laugh) There are still intimate aspects of relationships that I have done/like doing so I know I am not asexual because I still get those kinds of feelings. A part of it too is I’m afraid it will hurt really bad because I am very small (5’1).

Honestly I just don’t really know what to do because I want to seem like the chill gf that’s down for everything but I’m just not. I constantly feel like I am lying to my boyfriend and I know it isn’t fair to him but everyone in my past has left so my subconscious is telling me he’ll leave too.

I guess I just need some advice on how to overcome this? Have any of you guys struggled with your first time? Or are on the same page as me? If any of you are comfortable sharing how was your first time? Was it 10/10? Or like a 0.000001/10? Does it get better? Is it just disappointing for women? For men? How bad does it hurt for women?

If the time comes for me soon what are some things that guys like? Call her daddy can only answer so many questions plus I feel like it is a tad unrealistic. For those real guys in the real world, what do you like and how do you like it?