Almost no sex in 20 year marriage due to me—I want to fix it before my life is over. /u/biggestfingidiot Sex

I don’t know who to really reach out to about this. I haven’t had an active sex life with my wife since we were married almost 20 years ago. 3 to 4 times a year on average. In the dating phase, we were hot and heavy but after marriage, I just became uninterested.

I came across an article today and it called what I was doing sexual discard. I never thought of myself as a porn addict as I don’t really seek it out and I’m fine going without. I do masturbate nearly daily but I’m not preoccupied with it. It’s more like a routine, like brushing my teeth. I’d like to add that I have never been diagnosed with autism nor has it been suggested by anyone that I am. But I won’t rule anything out.

I have beat myself up my whole marriage for not understanding how to be genuinely intimate with my wife. I have tried to make it up in every other way, being a safe and supportive husband who takes care of her as best as I can. But this year, we’ve had some issues finally arise and the sex has become something I can’t figure out how to get past in order to continue our marriage healthily.

My regular counselors have never had any advice that has helped in the past (or recently). Here’s what my sex life looks like typically:

• I perform foreplay on her but it feels like in my head that I’m performing, not really in touch with the act.

• I’m not typically aroused seeing her nude but I am definitely heterosexual.

• There’s no ED or premature ejaculation issues but I sometimes can’t finish.

• I nearly always have to fantasize about something else to enjoy it fully.

• I do cuddle post coitus, we kiss during, I do keep my eyes open, and she typically finishes every time. She’s quite loud and I’m nearly silent during.

• During times where there’s an expectation to have it, like anniversaries or vacations, I can usually never get in the mood.

Sorry for going on so long. I’m nearly ready to see a sex therapist but I have no clue where to start and there a lot of shame (especially as this has been an issue my entire marriage and I’m only now addressing it).

I don’t know who to really reach out to about this. I haven’t had an active sex life with my wife since we were married almost 20 years ago. 3 to 4 times a year on average. In the dating phase, we were hot and heavy but after marriage, I just became uninterested.

I came across an article today and it called what I was doing sexual discard. I never thought of myself as a porn addict as I don’t really seek it out and I’m fine going without. I do masturbate nearly daily but I’m not preoccupied with it. It’s more like a routine, like brushing my teeth. I’d like to add that I have never been diagnosed with autism nor has it been suggested by anyone that I am. But I won’t rule anything out.

I have beat myself up my whole marriage for not understanding how to be genuinely intimate with my wife. I have tried to make it up in every other way, being a safe and supportive husband who takes care of her as best as I can. But this year, we’ve had some issues finally arise and the sex has become something I can’t figure out how to get past in order to continue our marriage healthily.

My regular counselors have never had any advice that has helped in the past (or recently). Here’s what my sex life looks like typically:

• I perform foreplay on her but it feels like in my head that I’m performing, not really in touch with the act.

• I’m not typically aroused seeing her nude but I am definitely heterosexual.

• There’s no ED or premature ejaculation issues but I sometimes can’t finish.

• I nearly always have to fantasize about something else to enjoy it fully.

• I do cuddle post coitus, we kiss during, I do keep my eyes open, and she typically finishes every time. She’s quite loud and I’m nearly silent during.

• During times where there’s an expectation to have it, like anniversaries or vacations, I can usually never get in the mood.

Sorry for going on so long. I’m nearly ready to see a sex therapist but I have no clue where to start and there a lot of shame (especially as this has been an issue my entire marriage and I’m only now addressing it).