How do I get over the shame I feel surrounding my sexual past and undo the conditioning porn has done? /u/IntroductionDirect54 Sex

I’m a 20 yo woman. I have had access to porn since a very young age, and this has caused some problems for me. It definitely affected my relationship with sex and how I view men.

It started with porn, very rough and degrading porn too, but then that changed to seeking validation from men online. Much older men too. This started when I was a minor. I would sext with men, and they would of course want photos and very explicit videos. I can’t believe the things I did on video for these guys. It honestly disgusts me. I hated it, but it’s what I thought I had to do. For some reason i thought the only thing i was good for was pleasing guys. Mostly because that’s what they all told me. I don’t know why I wanted to make them happy. Yes, I have a bad relationship with my father.

Then about a year ago I started having real sex. With men who were old enough to be my dad. Because i was always told that older men are just better. I haven’t slept with many guys since becoming sexually active, but its the type of sex and the men I slept with that brings me shame.

The abuse I put up with because I saw it in porn and it’s just what I thought sex should be like. The most degrading things that I sometimes didn’t even enjoy. It’s hard to think about. And i just can’t believe I let these old men have sex with me and cum inside me. I just always thought I was supposed to be with old guys because they always told me how much better they are and how they treat women better. I just feel so disgusted remember all the sexual acts and the age gap. Even my friends sort of talk badly about me behind my back because of the age of the guys I’ve been with.

The bad part is, I actually liked it most of the time. I dont know what chanved, but now when they touch me I can’t help but physically cringe and want it to be over. (I decided to break things off a few days ago though).

How do I stop wanting abusive and degrading sex? How do I get over all of these things I’ve done? I feel so disgusted. I’ve always had a high libido but now the thought of sex disgusts me. I don’t want to have a bad relationship with sex.

I know I should get therapy, but I can’t afford it and all the sliding scale therapists around me have ignored my emails and calls.

I’m a 20 yo woman. I have had access to porn since a very young age, and this has caused some problems for me. It definitely affected my relationship with sex and how I view men.

It started with porn, very rough and degrading porn too, but then that changed to seeking validation from men online. Much older men too. This started when I was a minor. I would sext with men, and they would of course want photos and very explicit videos. I can’t believe the things I did on video for these guys. It honestly disgusts me. I hated it, but it’s what I thought I had to do. For some reason i thought the only thing i was good for was pleasing guys. Mostly because that’s what they all told me. I don’t know why I wanted to make them happy. Yes, I have a bad relationship with my father.

Then about a year ago I started having real sex. With men who were old enough to be my dad. Because i was always told that older men are just better. I haven’t slept with many guys since becoming sexually active, but its the type of sex and the men I slept with that brings me shame.

The abuse I put up with because I saw it in porn and it’s just what I thought sex should be like. The most degrading things that I sometimes didn’t even enjoy. It’s hard to think about. And i just can’t believe I let these old men have sex with me and cum inside me. I just always thought I was supposed to be with old guys because they always told me how much better they are and how they treat women better. I just feel so disgusted remember all the sexual acts and the age gap. Even my friends sort of talk badly about me behind my back because of the age of the guys I’ve been with.

The bad part is, I actually liked it most of the time. I dont know what chanved, but now when they touch me I can’t help but physically cringe and want it to be over. (I decided to break things off a few days ago though).

How do I stop wanting abusive and degrading sex? How do I get over all of these things I’ve done? I feel so disgusted. I’ve always had a high libido but now the thought of sex disgusts me. I don’t want to have a bad relationship with sex.

I know I should get therapy, but I can’t afford it and all the sliding scale therapists around me have ignored my emails and calls.