My boyfriend (27M) and I (26F) have been in a relationship for almost 8 years now. He’s great- loving, usually attentive, plenty thoughtful, and is always thinking of me. I love him too, and want to give him the word. I look forward to our future together, and for the most part think it’ll be a pleasant one. We always talk about kids now, and marriage might be on the table. However, I have some concerns.
We’ve been together since college- and now that we’re out, my sexual tastes have changed. I’m not sure if we’re sexually compatible anymore. I’ve developed a strong interest in bdsm, and like being a submissive. My boyfriend has some interests in it, likes some smaller aspects about it, but I’m not sure if he’s confident enough in himself to follow through. He is not such a dominant person, and as I’ve gotten older, I find myself more attracted to that. I’m not saying that’s a deal breaker, or that he has to be this way 100 percent of the time, but is it possible for me to build that confidence so that he has no problem with taking control? Is there a way I can help him feel more comfortable being this way in the bedroom more often?
To be honest, we argue about this topic often. He would previously tell me that he didn’t want to do it, and that my interest in this kind of sex felt like a forceful hand for him. I’ve told him that if he doesn’t want to do any of it, it’s okay, but the general idea is that I would leave if it’s too hard for him. And that he would leave if he didn’t get enough sex.
I want to be sexually fulfilled. I know he does too. I know he’s trying. We’ve had our ups and downs, our arguments like every couple, but I just find myself avoiding sex. I’ve become a “tomorrow babe..” kind of person, and I know that’s horrible.
At first I didn’t feel accepted for my interests. Embarrassed, and ashamed. And with that came a bit of discomfort for me, vaginally, whenever we had sex. Sometimes lube helps, sometimes it does not. And this issue has been going on for at least three years (Yes, I’ve been to the doctor. They say nothing is wrong with me.) Now he’s showing some interest in having kinkier sex- he’s trying dirty talk (he’s not the best, but he’s trying), and trying to incorporate more foreplay. But when I try to give him advice, he says it feels like I’m just complaining. He thinks he’ll hurt me. He says he wants to treasure me, and this doesn’t feel like treasuring me.
Now it feels like we’re stuck in a loop. Avoiding sex, arguing about avoiding sex, having it as what feels like a “wifely duty” almost. Even though I make attempts so that the initiative doesn’t always fall on him, he says it feels a little too forceful still. I’m trying. It doesn’t make me feel good either, to avoid sex or to be unhappy with our sex life. It just looks so different now- we do it maybe once or twice a month. We are long distance at the moment as well, so that doesn’t help.
The discomfort during sex is still there for me, and I think it’s a psychological issue. When I slept with others, this had never happened to me. It felt like there was more room to discuss, and less pressure. Less to lose, if we didn’t align sexually.
What should I do? Is there any way I can turn things around? I really want to salvage things in the relationship, but I’m not sure how. Outside of these issues, he’s so sweet- and I’m really not trying to demonize him. He is a great man. I just want to feel comfortable with him on these topics again. Even now, it makes me feel nervous- and I try to tell him when I’m anxious before sex, the best I can in a respectful/gentle way.
I would hope that continued practice makes perfect, doesn’t it? Why does it feel like this insurmountable thing? How long do I need to give salvaging this issue? Have I given it too long already?? I don’t want us to have a DB. Please help.
submitted by /u/Sad-Journalist-8953
[link] [comments]
r/sex My boyfriend (27M) and I (26F) have been in a relationship for almost 8 years now. He’s great- loving, usually attentive, plenty thoughtful, and is always thinking of me. I love him too, and want to give him the word. I look forward to our future together, and for the most part think it’ll be a pleasant one. We always talk about kids now, and marriage might be on the table. However, I have some concerns. We’ve been together since college- and now that we’re out, my sexual tastes have changed. I’m not sure if we’re sexually compatible anymore. I’ve developed a strong interest in bdsm, and like being a submissive. My boyfriend has some interests in it, likes some smaller aspects about it, but I’m not sure if he’s confident enough in himself to follow through. He is not such a dominant person, and as I’ve gotten older, I find myself more attracted to that. I’m not saying that’s a deal breaker, or that he has to be this way 100 percent of the time, but is it possible for me to build that confidence so that he has no problem with taking control? Is there a way I can help him feel more comfortable being this way in the bedroom more often? To be honest, we argue about this topic often. He would previously tell me that he didn’t want to do it, and that my interest in this kind of sex felt like a forceful hand for him. I’ve told him that if he doesn’t want to do any of it, it’s okay, but the general idea is that I would leave if it’s too hard for him. And that he would leave if he didn’t get enough sex. I want to be sexually fulfilled. I know he does too. I know he’s trying. We’ve had our ups and downs, our arguments like every couple, but I just find myself avoiding sex. I’ve become a “tomorrow babe..” kind of person, and I know that’s horrible. At first I didn’t feel accepted for my interests. Embarrassed, and ashamed. And with that came a bit of discomfort for me, vaginally, whenever we had sex. Sometimes lube helps, sometimes it does not. And this issue has been going on for at least three years (Yes, I’ve been to the doctor. They say nothing is wrong with me.) Now he’s showing some interest in having kinkier sex- he’s trying dirty talk (he’s not the best, but he’s trying), and trying to incorporate more foreplay. But when I try to give him advice, he says it feels like I’m just complaining. He thinks he’ll hurt me. He says he wants to treasure me, and this doesn’t feel like treasuring me. Now it feels like we’re stuck in a loop. Avoiding sex, arguing about avoiding sex, having it as what feels like a “wifely duty” almost. Even though I make attempts so that the initiative doesn’t always fall on him, he says it feels a little too forceful still. I’m trying. It doesn’t make me feel good either, to avoid sex or to be unhappy with our sex life. It just looks so different now- we do it maybe once or twice a month. We are long distance at the moment as well, so that doesn’t help. The discomfort during sex is still there for me, and I think it’s a psychological issue. When I slept with others, this had never happened to me. It felt like there was more room to discuss, and less pressure. Less to lose, if we didn’t align sexually. What should I do? Is there any way I can turn things around? I really want to salvage things in the relationship, but I’m not sure how. Outside of these issues, he’s so sweet- and I’m really not trying to demonize him. He is a great man. I just want to feel comfortable with him on these topics again. Even now, it makes me feel nervous- and I try to tell him when I’m anxious before sex, the best I can in a respectful/gentle way. I would hope that continued practice makes perfect, doesn’t it? Why does it feel like this insurmountable thing? How long do I need to give salvaging this issue? Have I given it too long already?? I don’t want us to have a DB. Please help. submitted by /u/Sad-Journalist-8953 [link] [comments]
My boyfriend (27M) and I (26F) have been in a relationship for almost 8 years now. He’s great- loving, usually attentive, plenty thoughtful, and is always thinking of me. I love him too, and want to give him the word. I look forward to our future together, and for the most part think it’ll be a pleasant one. We always talk about kids now, and marriage might be on the table. However, I have some concerns.
We’ve been together since college- and now that we’re out, my sexual tastes have changed. I’m not sure if we’re sexually compatible anymore. I’ve developed a strong interest in bdsm, and like being a submissive. My boyfriend has some interests in it, likes some smaller aspects about it, but I’m not sure if he’s confident enough in himself to follow through. He is not such a dominant person, and as I’ve gotten older, I find myself more attracted to that. I’m not saying that’s a deal breaker, or that he has to be this way 100 percent of the time, but is it possible for me to build that confidence so that he has no problem with taking control? Is there a way I can help him feel more comfortable being this way in the bedroom more often?
To be honest, we argue about this topic often. He would previously tell me that he didn’t want to do it, and that my interest in this kind of sex felt like a forceful hand for him. I’ve told him that if he doesn’t want to do any of it, it’s okay, but the general idea is that I would leave if it’s too hard for him. And that he would leave if he didn’t get enough sex.
I want to be sexually fulfilled. I know he does too. I know he’s trying. We’ve had our ups and downs, our arguments like every couple, but I just find myself avoiding sex. I’ve become a “tomorrow babe..” kind of person, and I know that’s horrible.
At first I didn’t feel accepted for my interests. Embarrassed, and ashamed. And with that came a bit of discomfort for me, vaginally, whenever we had sex. Sometimes lube helps, sometimes it does not. And this issue has been going on for at least three years (Yes, I’ve been to the doctor. They say nothing is wrong with me.) Now he’s showing some interest in having kinkier sex- he’s trying dirty talk (he’s not the best, but he’s trying), and trying to incorporate more foreplay. But when I try to give him advice, he says it feels like I’m just complaining. He thinks he’ll hurt me. He says he wants to treasure me, and this doesn’t feel like treasuring me.
Now it feels like we’re stuck in a loop. Avoiding sex, arguing about avoiding sex, having it as what feels like a “wifely duty” almost. Even though I make attempts so that the initiative doesn’t always fall on him, he says it feels a little too forceful still. I’m trying. It doesn’t make me feel good either, to avoid sex or to be unhappy with our sex life. It just looks so different now- we do it maybe once or twice a month. We are long distance at the moment as well, so that doesn’t help.
The discomfort during sex is still there for me, and I think it’s a psychological issue. When I slept with others, this had never happened to me. It felt like there was more room to discuss, and less pressure. Less to lose, if we didn’t align sexually.
What should I do? Is there any way I can turn things around? I really want to salvage things in the relationship, but I’m not sure how. Outside of these issues, he’s so sweet- and I’m really not trying to demonize him. He is a great man. I just want to feel comfortable with him on these topics again. Even now, it makes me feel nervous- and I try to tell him when I’m anxious before sex, the best I can in a respectful/gentle way.
I would hope that continued practice makes perfect, doesn’t it? Why does it feel like this insurmountable thing? How long do I need to give salvaging this issue? Have I given it too long already?? I don’t want us to have a DB. Please help.
submitted by /u/Sad-Journalist-8953
[link] [comments]