How to become more assertive against coercion and express desires for SA survivors with a “fawn” response /u/Anon_Anon_Anon69 Sex

TW Coercion

I (28F) am a SA survivor due to years of religious trauma and coercion. I’ve been in many situations were sexual activity has gone further than I wanted despite me verbally saying I did not want to go further and me pulling/pushing away. My response in these situations has been to go along with whatever the other person tries to do and even become more dominant as a means to gain control of the situation. For those who are unaware, this is a common trauma response to prevent more trauma (i.e. the other person becoming more rough) from happening. I’m now 28, have done therapy, and have a degree that covered trauma, sex, and relationships. However I am still new to dating as sexually active person.

Most recently I found myself making excuses for a guy I was physically pulling my hand away from (literally had a chicken wing going on) as he tried to get me to touch him, and even went on two more dates with him and had sex with him. In the moment I became dominant and flirty and teased him, and when we had sex I was very giving despite no reciprocation. I blamed myself for not asking for what I wanted during sex and told myself he didn’t have ill intentions, but that he was just inexperienced and clueless do to his own religious upbringing.

Obviously upon reflecting I can pinpoint the ways he made me uncomfortable and when I should’ve cut it off. My question is what are some ways to overcome that anxiety and fawn trauma response in the moment, instead of giving in and just cutting ties after the fact? It’s so intimidating when you’ve told someone no verbally and non verbally and they won’t stop “trying to change your mind.” I was literally trying to walk this guy out.

My other question is how do you be more assertive with men in general in bed? I remember seeing this post where a girl said she got up mid sex because the guy was just jackhammering. The guy was like “I wasn’t even close” and she was like “neither was I.” The past two guys I’ve hooked up with I was super giving and asked for specifics of how they liked things, and they couldn’t take direction with pleasing me (insert maddie_mae tiktok here). How do you find the voice to say “actually this isn’t working for me and I’d like you to leave”?

TW Coercion

I (28F) am a SA survivor due to years of religious trauma and coercion. I’ve been in many situations were sexual activity has gone further than I wanted despite me verbally saying I did not want to go further and me pulling/pushing away. My response in these situations has been to go along with whatever the other person tries to do and even become more dominant as a means to gain control of the situation. For those who are unaware, this is a common trauma response to prevent more trauma (i.e. the other person becoming more rough) from happening. I’m now 28, have done therapy, and have a degree that covered trauma, sex, and relationships. However I am still new to dating as sexually active person.

Most recently I found myself making excuses for a guy I was physically pulling my hand away from (literally had a chicken wing going on) as he tried to get me to touch him, and even went on two more dates with him and had sex with him. In the moment I became dominant and flirty and teased him, and when we had sex I was very giving despite no reciprocation. I blamed myself for not asking for what I wanted during sex and told myself he didn’t have ill intentions, but that he was just inexperienced and clueless do to his own religious upbringing.

Obviously upon reflecting I can pinpoint the ways he made me uncomfortable and when I should’ve cut it off. My question is what are some ways to overcome that anxiety and fawn trauma response in the moment, instead of giving in and just cutting ties after the fact? It’s so intimidating when you’ve told someone no verbally and non verbally and they won’t stop “trying to change your mind.” I was literally trying to walk this guy out.

My other question is how do you be more assertive with men in general in bed? I remember seeing this post where a girl said she got up mid sex because the guy was just jackhammering. The guy was like “I wasn’t even close” and she was like “neither was I.” The past two guys I’ve hooked up with I was super giving and asked for specifics of how they liked things, and they couldn’t take direction with pleasing me (insert maddie_mae tiktok here). How do you find the voice to say “actually this isn’t working for me and I’d like you to leave”?