What is a healthy mind thinking during sex? /u/iwannakindadyealot Sex

I 19f have been addicted to porn ever since a kid. I’ve been on a road to recovery still am. Its been pretty easy as I’ve always wanted a healthier mindset free of a mans pleasure perspective especially only knowing that from porn. What should i feel and what should i be thinking during it, what is healthy? I developed a cnc kink idk if its because of something that happened to me as a kid and never got closure from but Ive been studying stoicism for a little, so sex doesn’t haunt me much anymore and also not interested in partners or relationships at the moment (I’ve had one sexual partner and it felt as if we were both using each other for pleasure and especially used sex to repress our relations problems) my partner from the very beginning i felt as if he only had an interest in me sexually. Went along w it cause i thought us knowing eachother for years he would love me sweetly (he did only through words, but rarely w actions) and I was in denial. My cnc tendencies also were at its worst with him as when I couldn’t feel a romantic connection i would imagine it was happening due to cnc it was the only way i could pleasure myself. I felt alone. any advice would be great just want to heal sorry for the trauma dump. Been trying to get into therapy just wanted advice from real people with different perseverance and experiences. Also i dont want to come off as a victim so id like to get just straight up advice and no im sorry this happened to you stuff it just makes me more depressed haha thanks a lot to those who’ll respond!🙏🏻💕

I 19f have been addicted to porn ever since a kid. I’ve been on a road to recovery still am. Its been pretty easy as I’ve always wanted a healthier mindset free of a mans pleasure perspective especially only knowing that from porn. What should i feel and what should i be thinking during it, what is healthy? I developed a cnc kink idk if its because of something that happened to me as a kid and never got closure from but Ive been studying stoicism for a little, so sex doesn’t haunt me much anymore and also not interested in partners or relationships at the moment (I’ve had one sexual partner and it felt as if we were both using each other for pleasure and especially used sex to repress our relations problems) my partner from the very beginning i felt as if he only had an interest in me sexually. Went along w it cause i thought us knowing eachother for years he would love me sweetly (he did only through words, but rarely w actions) and I was in denial. My cnc tendencies also were at its worst with him as when I couldn’t feel a romantic connection i would imagine it was happening due to cnc it was the only way i could pleasure myself. I felt alone. any advice would be great just want to heal sorry for the trauma dump. Been trying to get into therapy just wanted advice from real people with different perseverance and experiences. Also i dont want to come off as a victim so id like to get just straight up advice and no im sorry this happened to you stuff it just makes me more depressed haha thanks a lot to those who’ll respond!🙏🏻💕