Talking about sex with partner – ideas? /u/SexyAudiophile Sex

Been married a long time, dead bedroom for years, in counseling at my behest and both making progress on communication & emotional intimacy. DH stated he doesn’t want to discuss ANY specifics about sex with our therapist, that we can do it ourselves despite the fact that we NEVER have. I’m letting that go for now and am willing to try talking about needs & wants without him. I’ve shared that I want to talk about those needs/wants before we screw around. He wants to jump right back into his idea of “sex”: incredibly crappy, perfunctory, wholly unsatisfying, never changing, infrequent, & unpleasant intercourse, always at my initiation, with the bare minimum of “foreplay” required. Ugh, gross.

I recognize my part, that I can only change myself, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to move forward. I will NOT go back to what was, for decades, terrible/minimal sexual intimacy. I want to start over, exploring each other, talking openly, sharing current mutual needs & wants. Since we’ve NEVER done that, I have no idea how to.

He’s said he’s ready to talk when I am – great! Once again, I have to initiate but I can and will for now. I just don’t know what to do! My only idea is to start with basics? – making out; real, passionate, loving kissing (hopefully with tongue?); looking at each other perhaps as we touch (outside of bed). Or not using euphemisms – e.g. he won’t say the word “sex” even in counseling. I cannot even imagined the MUCH harder conversations around touching (not just sexually), foreplay, erotic massage, erotic anything… or even orgasms, positions, oral, sex in different places, experimenting, toys, erotica, kink.

The other option is I have yet to tell him my unhappiness about our past sex life, but my gut says looking back is a bad idea. I have talked about my want & need for touch, cuddles, kissing outside of bed but that has barely changed. He does try to hold my hand and occasionally put his arm around the back of my chair when we’re out. ARGH!

Here’s my question: how and where topic-wise do you suggest I start? I’m entirely lost.

Been married a long time, dead bedroom for years, in counseling at my behest and both making progress on communication & emotional intimacy. DH stated he doesn’t want to discuss ANY specifics about sex with our therapist, that we can do it ourselves despite the fact that we NEVER have. I’m letting that go for now and am willing to try talking about needs & wants without him. I’ve shared that I want to talk about those needs/wants before we screw around. He wants to jump right back into his idea of “sex”: incredibly crappy, perfunctory, wholly unsatisfying, never changing, infrequent, & unpleasant intercourse, always at my initiation, with the bare minimum of “foreplay” required. Ugh, gross.

I recognize my part, that I can only change myself, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to move forward. I will NOT go back to what was, for decades, terrible/minimal sexual intimacy. I want to start over, exploring each other, talking openly, sharing current mutual needs & wants. Since we’ve NEVER done that, I have no idea how to.

He’s said he’s ready to talk when I am – great! Once again, I have to initiate but I can and will for now. I just don’t know what to do! My only idea is to start with basics? – making out; real, passionate, loving kissing (hopefully with tongue?); looking at each other perhaps as we touch (outside of bed). Or not using euphemisms – e.g. he won’t say the word “sex” even in counseling. I cannot even imagined the MUCH harder conversations around touching (not just sexually), foreplay, erotic massage, erotic anything… or even orgasms, positions, oral, sex in different places, experimenting, toys, erotica, kink.

The other option is I have yet to tell him my unhappiness about our past sex life, but my gut says looking back is a bad idea. I have talked about my want & need for touch, cuddles, kissing outside of bed but that has barely changed. He does try to hold my hand and occasionally put his arm around the back of my chair when we’re out. ARGH!

Here’s my question: how and where topic-wise do you suggest I start? I’m entirely lost.