My boyfriend (M30) wants a*al but I (F24) have been abused and can’t do it /u/h0neyjack Sex

Okay so I have been with my bf for about 4 years now and over this time, we’ve had the conversation about butt stuff multiple times but I just can’t get myself to do it

I used to be quite open to the idea but then I got abused. I had this f*ck buddy before I knew my bf and we would meet once a week for a few months and it was all great fun until one time while we were having sex (vaginal) he suddenly started shoving toys and, eventually, his dick up my butt. We hadn’t even talked about this, let alone me giving permission or being prepared. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to stop it but I completely froze mentally, I just laid there with my eyes closed and full of tears and a lump in my throat and I let it happen. I was so heavily depressed back then and thought I was so worthless anyway that I deserved to be treated that way.

Fast-forward to current days, I am in a better place mentally, but because of this experience I am unable to even think about having a*al without having a panic attack. I also can’t put myself in a submissive mindset anymore because I was dumb and naive and I played this game stupidly and won very stupid prizes.

Despite knowing all this, to this day, my boyfriend likes to poke at the topic. I guess he’s secretly hoping I will change my mind. I can have really bad periods sometimes (lasting 2 weeks) and when this happens, he’s often giving me daily hints that we should go for the other hole. I get it, it’s no fun with such a “break” but he still gets oral and shower sex and I am completely open to letting him poke some other girl in the ass, perhaps while I watch.

It just makes me feel so guilty that I can’t say “Yes” to something he clearly wants so much but I am having such a hard time with this mentally. I’ve tried times and times again but I simply can’t force myself to like the idea. I even tried a toy by myself, hoping to “reset” my mentality about this, but I couldn’t handle the feeling. I panicked. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn and my heart race and my brain blocks it out completely.

I don’t know the point of this post. Perhaps just getting this off my shoulders but hopefully also hearing a word of advice from somebody who’s been in this boat.

Okay so I have been with my bf for about 4 years now and over this time, we’ve had the conversation about butt stuff multiple times but I just can’t get myself to do it

I used to be quite open to the idea but then I got abused. I had this f*ck buddy before I knew my bf and we would meet once a week for a few months and it was all great fun until one time while we were having sex (vaginal) he suddenly started shoving toys and, eventually, his dick up my butt. We hadn’t even talked about this, let alone me giving permission or being prepared. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to stop it but I completely froze mentally, I just laid there with my eyes closed and full of tears and a lump in my throat and I let it happen. I was so heavily depressed back then and thought I was so worthless anyway that I deserved to be treated that way.

Fast-forward to current days, I am in a better place mentally, but because of this experience I am unable to even think about having a*al without having a panic attack. I also can’t put myself in a submissive mindset anymore because I was dumb and naive and I played this game stupidly and won very stupid prizes.

Despite knowing all this, to this day, my boyfriend likes to poke at the topic. I guess he’s secretly hoping I will change my mind. I can have really bad periods sometimes (lasting 2 weeks) and when this happens, he’s often giving me daily hints that we should go for the other hole. I get it, it’s no fun with such a “break” but he still gets oral and shower sex and I am completely open to letting him poke some other girl in the ass, perhaps while I watch.

It just makes me feel so guilty that I can’t say “Yes” to something he clearly wants so much but I am having such a hard time with this mentally. I’ve tried times and times again but I simply can’t force myself to like the idea. I even tried a toy by myself, hoping to “reset” my mentality about this, but I couldn’t handle the feeling. I panicked. Just the thought of it makes my stomach turn and my heart race and my brain blocks it out completely.

I don’t know the point of this post. Perhaps just getting this off my shoulders but hopefully also hearing a word of advice from somebody who’s been in this boat.